Don't Do It

I knew before but I've had a very sudden refresher course over the past month or so... Don't date your friends. Just don't do it! Maybe it's not even a good idea to be friends with exes after you've dated. But if you were friends before you dated which are you first? Friends or exes. It's hard to differentiate sometimes. More on this later... school & work awaits me now. I felt the brunt of my situation a few moments ago. Thus, I felt the need to write about it.

It's definitely hard to act like nothing happened between two people and go back to being the inseparable friends you once were. It's really hard when the other person hurt you in a pretty harsh way. But I think it becomes even more difficult when your ex starts dating someone else and wants you to slip back into that best friend mode. I mean I don't blame my exes cuz everyone wants their friends to meet the people they're dating and show them off to the world, but when some of your closest friends and your exes are one in the same... well, I'm not so sure you can go about it in the same way.

One of my exes recently started dating someone else & I'm really happy that this person is making him happy but, even though he's become one of my best friends, it still is hard for me to think about him with other people. In situations such as this, sometimes I'm not so sure which one I seem to be first. Am I the bitter ex or am I his old/new friend? It's confusing sometimes to differentiate the two. I.E. when an ex asks me for relationship advice is it really possible for me to give a legitimate, honest, unbiased answer? In this way I'm the ex girlfriend first. However, when I see cute facebook comments between an ex & a new partner it makes me smile because I know that they're happy. In this, I'm the friend.

All that dating your friends ever does is put one in a difficult position after the relationship ends... The friendship will never be the same no matter how hard you try. A hint of resentment will always be in the air from one party or another, and often from both. Though, I say dating your friends is a bad idea I know that I'll most likely do a somersault at another friend's feet soon. I tend to only fall for friends.

Blame It On The Alcohol

I was told by a friend that I just need to be more care free like her & not worry so much about relationships... The only reason she's so carefree is because of the alcohol. I know this because even though she wants to pretend like no one understands where she's coming from, I'm the same way as her. Every time I'm in a rough situation I want to drink. I want to be able to separate myself from reality in such a way that I forget everything that has happened to me. However, I've lost too many close friends and family to drug/alcohol addiction, so even though in most cases all I want to do is drink the pain away & become this carefree version of myself that I love, I refrain from even touching one drink.
In the past I've made it my rule of thumb that alcoholic drinks are only to be consumed when I'm at a happy point in my life. In this, I don't become dependent on it. Unfortunately, last night I broke my rule & just after one night of relying on this drug to suppress my connection with reality, I want so badly to go out and drink again. I know it's not a good idea to begin this cycle but when I woke this morning my first thoughts weren't of how much I miss my best friend or how heart broken I am. Instead I woke up with a clear mind, thinking of absolutely nothing. It was so incredibly refreshing!
I have an addictive personality & alcoholism runs in my family... I know I shouldn't go out tonight but the bad feelings are coming back & it's becoming harder to say no to parties when I know that this short disconnect from reality creates the best feelings I've felt in months.

Something to Take Home to Mom

I'm not something to take home to your mother... nor am I something to take home to your father. However, isn't life about pursuing what makes you happy and not what's going to make your parents or other people in your life happy? With everything that has happened in my life, losing my grandmother, a good friend, someone who was like a brother, & also losing a best friend, I've learned that life's too short to live for anyone other than yourself. In the words of Gavin Degraw, "I don't want to be anything other than me!" And when you live only to satisfy the wants of other people you just can't be happy. Maybe for a while you're happy because for once you've found their approval but when you realize that what you're doing isn't being done for you but for them, then that happiness will quickly fade. If you always have to put up a front to seek your parent's approval, are they truly approving of the person you've become? If you even have to put up a front to the person you're dating (the person that your parents approve of) is it really real? I mean is anything real if they don't know the true version of you? It doesn't make sense to me to choose to date someone based on the fact that your parents approve of them because honestly what has always mattered most to me is how I feel about them. You're definitely not something I can take home to my mother either... but that never really mattered to me because I live for no one but myself!

The Little Things You Do To Me

At first I was scared cuz I didn't know what I was getting myself into but now I just don't care because my heart has been smiling since I left you... Maybe Vincent was right about us because it's all becoming something I can really believe in too. And I don't even care about all the complicated details of my life right now; I just know that when I think about your beautiful face I can't wipe the goofy grin off of mine. For me, being happy in my day to day life is all that matters. Why worry about what might happen four months down the road? A lot can change in that amount of time & those details in my life might not be so complicated anymore.

Passion Burns

I sometimes hate myself for the way passion burns inside me when I look at a woman. I don't get that same passion looking at a man. Maybe it's because I'm so sexually repressed right now... I've never been able to notice the intense difference before. I always knew that when I walk into a bar I notice the women first, but this is different. A passion wells up inside me when I see two women kiss and I get this feeling that I want something like what they have for myself. When I see a man & a woman together it makes me smile to know that they're happy, however I don't get that same passionate feeling like I do seeing two women together. These kinds of feelings are why I was hesitant to label myself... cuz can you really be bisexual if that fire only arises when you look at one man? Am I really just a lesbian who somehow fell in love with a man?

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think about getting in the car, driving until I run out of gas, abandoning my car wherever that may be, & just walking until I arrive some place that doesn't remind me of you. Some place that doesn't even consist of road signs, objects, people, billboards, etc that make my thoughts lean towards how much I miss everything about you. I don't want to think about it anymore. Every night before I go to sleep I can almost feel you with me, but when I wake in the morning you're gone again. Every morning is like facing a new reality. I don't want to feel it anymore. I just want to go some place, away from all that's familiar, & forget about everything and everyone. I want to make a new reality for myself, a better reality. One where I don't miss you in every moment of every day.... maybe, just maybe, if I get away from all of this, this craziness, I won't think of you as much.

I'm Tired of Talking About Gay People!

It's been a while since I've written on here & really there's a number of reasons for that. Life's been really rough lately but the purpose for this update isn't to talk about how crappy life's been, because I don't know if I'm ready to put that in writing yet. I don't want to feel the permanence of this situation just yet. When I write something down it becomes real, it becomes permanent & I have to fully face the situation. I don't want to do that yet.

Anywho... let's get to the point. Basically most of my classes are related to each other this semester in the fact that Human Sexuality talks about the history of sexuality & where some of our morals that have to do with sexuality come from & tradition & such. Then my Dance Appreciation class talks about the history of dance and the traditions & religions in which it originated. Then I have my Philosophy class which talks about past, present, & future of mankind & the way we think about everything. So all of these classes are pretty interconnected.

Well, this past week in my Human Sexuality class we had a guest speaker come & talk to the class about hate speech. It was a really interesting way of presenting the idea that words like "faggot" or "fruit" should be thought just as offensive as words like "nigger" or "spic". It seemed to be a really effective discussion from the reactions of my classmates. However, when the guest speaker opened it up for questioning, my Human Sexuality class turned into an all out religious debate. Now, I'm a Christian but these people were just saying hateful things & telling this man that basically all gay people were going to Hell & that he could become a Christian if he wanted to. I listened to the "questioning" for a little while but as soon as someone asked, "Do you think gay people can be Christians?" I checked out & wanted to know when it was that I had signed up for a moral problems class.

If that had been the only time I had to talk about the subject of homosexuality I would've still been sick of talking about it, but the next day I opened up my text book to read for my Philosophy class & hey look we have a reading about Homosexuality. Then later that week I get an e-mail from my grandmother that talks about it again (something about some guy wanting to make schools pro-homosexual... who knows my grandmama is super right-wing conservative so the guy probably just wanted to educate children so they wouldn't be so homophobic).

Lol, but today was the fizz oozing popping open my bottle, saying this is enough. In my Philosophy class when we were talking about a topic that wasn't even related to homosexuals we managed to bring back in a gay topic. We were talking about how when you are making a decision in the public sphere, according to this one philosopher, you should leave all your beliefs about politics, religion, etc. in the private sphere & it should not affect the choice you make. My teacher was trying to illustrate how hard it is to create an argument without using any elements from the private sphere to base that argument upon. So she asked the class, "What's a controversial topic today?" Someone said health care, death penalty, abortion, etc. No one said anything about gay people! And all of a sudden my teacher is like, "What about gay marriage?" WTF? Where did that even come from? Just randomly pulled that one out of her ass. While we talked about what we could use to argue gay marriage for the rest of the class, I texted my ex girlfriend about how it was really odd how many times I'd talked about homosexual issues in the past week.

As the class ended I stood up & said a little louder than intended, "Gosh, I'm so tired of talking about gay people!" Everyone in the class just kind of stared at me with this evil glares like I was the most horrible person in the world. I mean you've got to understand I definitely don't look like the queerest person in the world. To most people in that class at that moment I looked like a homophobic ass face. So I immediately followed myself up with, "I say as I get off the phone with my ex girlfriend!!!" By the time I did my follow up I don't think people were listening to me anymore, though.

Though I should be more careful what I say and how loud I say it, I am tired of talking about gay people. I know what the issues are. I live them day in & day out. Talking about them every other day only reminds me how sucky things are. Oh & let's not mention the fact that when people talk about all this stuff they never once mention anyone besides gay men & lesbian women... apparently those are the only people that are discriminated against. Wrong! Bisexual men & women are discriminated against even within the gay community. Let's not even open up the topic of how much trans people are discriminated against. I hate how little understanding most people have of the situation, even people who claim to be authorities on it.

Call Me Bisexual... Or Maybe Not

"I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have the potential to be attracted -- romantically and physically -- to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree."- Robyn Ochs

I went and listened to Robyn Ochs speak last night on the topic Bisexuality, Feminism, Men, & Me. It was one of the most enlightening & interesting events I've gone to on campus (of course that's not saying much since I've only gone to a few events period). Though what I mostly got out of listening to her speak was what she had to say about bisexuality, I got out a lot out of the rest of what she said as well. She spoke about young girls' overall body image and also about equality in our society (not just between men & women, but also between heterosexuals & the queer community).

Now back track before the first words fell from Robyn's mouth. I walked into that room that night unsure about my identity. I didn't want to label myself as a bisexual because I didn't understand what that meant. I mean, when I walk into a room I notice the women first. It takes a little while for me to notice the men there, but that's not to say that when I do I don't find them attractive. Shoot I could walk through campus and find plenty of attractive men in a few minutes. However, right now I don't see myself ever having another relationship with a man. So, there's this whole identity issue. I mean I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend so identifying as a lesbian doesn't really make sense. Lately, it's just been easier to not identify as anything. But after listening to Robyn speak last night I think that maybe it's ok for me to identify as a bisexual woman. I'm only acknowledging the fact that I have the "potential to be attracted to people of more than one sex". This definition of bisexuality opens things up a bit.

Thinking on this issue of bisexuality Robyn said some things about equality that really made me think. Things such as she would never hold a boyfriend up to different standards than she would a girlfriend. If a man is sensitive and caring he isn't an amazing guy he's a good guy but not amazing. We would never say that a woman is amazing because she's sensitive and caring so why say that a man is? I'm sure at some point or another I've held a man up to different standards than I have woman just because he's a man. I've said it's just a guy thing, whatever. However, I know I've never said oh whatever it's just a girl thing. I've always held the women in my life up to much higher standards than the men. There's something wrong with that.

Of course, there's a lot wrong in our society. I can't walk freely throughout my hometown holding hands with a girlfriend. However, if I had a boyfriend there wouldn't be a problem doing that. Being bisexual, sometimes heterosexual privilege is thrust upon you. Robyn spoke about refusing to do anything with her boyfriend she could not do if she had a girlfriend. Therefore, anyone she felt she couldn't come out to, wasn't able to know about her girlfriends or her boyfriends. If she knew it would be unsafe to kiss a girlfriend in public she couldn't kiss a boyfriend in public either. I like this idea however it would be really hard to keep track of all of the things you can't do. When you're with a girlfriend you're reminded of the things society frowns upon when you go to do them & dirty looks are sent your direction.

It's not an easy thing to do to be bisexual. There's no way of identifying a person as bisexual unless they just tell you. I still am contemplating whether I even like the word... I'm not all about what's in people pants. I'm interested in what's going on inside their minds. That's what turns me on. I find people physically attractive, yes, but that's last on my check list of things I look for in a relationship. I don't give a damn about the anatomy and what eventually will wind up inside me cuz really it's literally all about the mind fuck for me. So I'm still not completely sure if bisexual is the right term to describe me but with Robyn Ochs's definition it's opened up my mind a bit more.

What Is a Friend?

How many times have I tried to create this post so far? Hundreds... At this point I'm not able to turn what I'd like to say into coherent thoughts. I can't even come out with it in an incoherent scramble of words. So, this is going to be my attempt at saying a few things about friends and about love.

What is a friend, exactly? Is it someone who's there to listen to your problems when you're down? Or is it someone who's just there to hang out with you and keep you from being lonely all the time? Maybe it's both. If it is, I feel like maybe I never really had any real friends here in Denton. Although, this definition I have for a friend has room for expansion. Someone who listens to your problems & hangs out with you is kind of a limited definition. However, like I said, I don't know how to turn my thoughts into words at this point so that's the best I can do.

And if that is what a friend is, you would think it wouldn't be so hard to just be friends with my ex, but it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There's so much history there. I want to be a good friend but sometimes it's hard to just be that friend & not freak out about some things that I know shouldn't bother me if I was just being a friend. A good friend would be happy that he's moving on; a good friend would be happy that his life is going amazingly well. However, I sometimes cannot help but be upset that he has been able to move on while I have not. It's horrible, but I am human. And I'm still in love with him. This friendship is the only piece of him I have left and honestly I'm ok with just being friends right now but I need to learn how to be a friend & not his lover.

So what exactly is a friend? My friends here aren't exactly the greatest models most of the time.

I Know, I Think I Know

"Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."- Lois McMaster Bujold

I didn't want to use this blog to necessarily talk about personal aspects of my life, but I think just this once it might be okay for me to take the time to try and answer some of my friends questions. "If you're in love with him and he's in love with you too, why aren't you together?" When a friend asked me this question last week, I tried to give a suitable answer, but I was trying to give a quick answer. The simple answer. Really there's not a simple answer to that question. The complexities to what seem like simple enough aspects of life overwhelm me at times.

Why are my ex boyfriend & I not back together? I can only tell you what I know & what I think I know. As far as what I know... he told me that though he's still in love with me & feels as if he might never get over me, he's moved on to a different part of his life and that though I am still a part of it, I'm not a part of it in that way & if we were to get back together he feels like it might be set him back. We've both changed so much in this past year and I honestly think that he feels we'd revert back into the old versions of ourselves if we got back together.

I know that I broke his heart. I know that for months he thought I betrayed him in more than one way. I was doing what was best for the both of us though he didn't see at the time. What I know is that it's hard to let someone else back into your life after they've caused you so much pain. You don't know that they won't hurt you again.

What I think I know is that he misses being with me but is scared to try it out again for fear it won't work. Frankly, I'm scared of the same thing. Thus, I don't really know how I feel about this whole situation. I think I know that he doesn't want to do the long distance thing again, also. It's a lot of work & we're young people who don't need that much stress in our lives. Though, for him, I wouldn't mind it. I think I know in my heart of hearts that he's the only heterosexual relationship I'll ever have that actually works... at this point I'm thinking maybe homosexual relationships won't work out either and honestly, I'm okay with that. The good times with my ex boyfriend overshadow all of the bad times that came with that relationship.

If things don't work out now... some day our lives will settle down and we'll cross paths again, I think know that; I at least like to hope for that.

Why is it so hard?

I wish that more people in this world could take people for who they are and not lump them into a category upon immediately meeting them. I also wish more people could identify with who they are as a person rather than using their sexuality to define themselves. Why fall into the world's views of what a lesbian is and so on? Why can't people just be their own version of themselves? There's so much more to people than just their sexuality. Of course, if there weren't so many people that weren't just like, "Hi I'm Sarah; I'm a lesbian!" then there wouldn't be so much of a problem with the rest of the world using a person's sexuality to define a person's character.

Granted I do hang out with a lot of gay people, I go to the gay bar, & last night I did go to a drag party, but you can't just define me as a lesbian & say that's who I am. There's so much more there. I fall into many of the stereotypes but I've got a lot more going for me. I read my Bible nightly, I don't ever do meaningless anything (kisses included), I find beauty in every aspect of life... And really this is the same for a lot of my gay friends. It just makes me so angry when people define themselves by their sexuality or others do it for them.

One of the many but super solvable reasons people are afraid to come out to their friends. They don't want to be defined by their sexuality but by the person they truly are. Why is that so hard? Really, why is that so hard?

My Dreams Have No Barriers

I've decided I'm going to try to start writing on here on a more regular basis... What should I write about today? I need inspiration. I love this classical music I'm listening to on my J.S. Bach station, but it's just not very inspirational. Perhaps I'll switch to a different station (maybe even one that has words on it). Ah, that's better! Let's blog!

"I often miss this little girl… whose dreams had no barriers… who believed in a world where anything is possible; with a heart that was full and unbroken." I found this quote on post secret quite a while ago & it seems I go back & look at it at least once a week. I relate to it as if I'd even said it myself (which of course I didn't). Since I was a little kid I can always remember my parents telling me I could do anything I wanted to do; I never had a practical dream. I wanted to be an artist, then an author, a singer, a beluga whale trainer, and early in high school I decided I wanted to be a dancer. But before I could even start to get my dream off the ground, the realization that becoming a dancer wasn't a practical plan for my future changed all of my plans towards the end of high school.

I think that's one of the biggest part of growing up. You get to the point where you stop dreaming and start to think about what's practical. I guess I've gotten half way there. I took a step back after I didn't make the dance program at my college & decided that I should try a more practical route. Dance therapy would allow me to still be a part of the dance world while being able to have a rooted job. However, I've gotten to the point that I'm starting to think that that's not even a practical enough route to take anymore. In this economy who's going to spend money on a dance therapist? Plus, after because of this back surgery I don't know if I'll ever be able to dance again.

The pressure from my parents and everyone around me tells me I should change my plans completely and opt for a job with more stability and a bigger market. I've often thought about it, but then I look back at that little girl who dreamed about having the world. The girl that thought nothing else mattered as long as she was doing what she was passionate about. The little girl that thought nothing could touch her. I need to fulfill at least this part of my dream to keep that little girl from screaming at me, "What are you doing!? Why did you quit!? You should never give up your dreams!"

It kills me to think about all the talented people I know that are opting out for the safe route. I can't be that person too. No one should ever give up their dreams until they know that they will fail at them... and you know maybe you shouldn't even give up on them then. Our parents tell us we can do anything we want; they never really believe that we could, though. So, I'm not giving up on this dream! Others I will someday be able to let go. I must let them go in order to be able to pursue this dream.

For now I'll just let this little girl remind me where I'm heading. I'm heading to a wide open world with endless possibilities. Anything could happen for me at this point & I'm loving it!

Two Dancing Ladies

So I'm back at college now & I can say I fully enjoy it here more than at home, but there's a bitter sweetness about it. Last night whilst at the local gay bar I spotted someone I'd never seen there before. She captivated me in every way! It was karaoke night so there weren't many people on the dance floor and I'm sure that any other night I probably would've noticed her, as well, but last night just made my view of her all the more clear. As she stepped out onto the dance floor, she grabbed what seemed to be her girlfriend and started moving to the beat. I became enthralled at how beautiful the two of them were together. My newly spotted interest would spin her girl around underneath her arm, bring her in close & then send her out twirling again. They seemed so happy in that dance. Definitely a kind of happiness and beauty I've always longed for with someone. Staring at the beautiful couple and thinking about my life, I was suddenly interrupted by my friend April with, "Whatcha thinkin bout?" My instinctive response was, "Nothing!" Then I realized that I was talking to someone who knew me well & I definitely wouldn't be able to fool her so I quickly changed my response to, "Everything...."
I don't know what it is about certain things that make you think about "everything." There's always something different but last night I obviously was set off by this attractive couple dancing. It made me think about my sexuality. Made me start to miss both of my exes. It also made me wonder if I'll ever know anything comparable to the love that I once knew.
All I know is that these two women dancing were so beautiful. They had an innocent kind of air to their love. That, I think is what was most refreshing.

What Is It About I Love You?

So, what exactly is it about saying I love you that moves a person to tears or more often terrifies one to death? It's just three words. Standing alone each word doesn't seem to shake us at all. Obviously "I" and "you" have little effect on any person. The word "love", however, you would think, would mean a little more to people. It really doesn't seem that way, though. I even call many of my friends by the pet name "love" and none of them bat an eye lash when the word is spoken. Without a doubt, there's only power in those three words when spoken together, in sequence I... love... you.
It's an extreme type of power that these words seem to hold, and frankly, it doesn't make sense to me. We freak out about saying them to a person for weeks, often months, building up this huge scenario in our minds about how it's going to be when we do actually say I love you, & then when we do, it's just disappointing. Either the other person actually does love you too and just says, "Oh I love you too," or they don't feel the same way and they say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Why do we torture ourselves? We wait for the perfect moment to say these three words for months and months. Why not just get the moment over with? It doesn't matter if the moment is right or not! Okay, well to a degree it matters, but the moment doesn't have to be absolutely perfect.
Think about a world where everyone just told people when they fell in love with each other. How much heartache would that save us? A lot! I mean yeah, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you thought it would, but it gives you closure so that you can move on. There would be a lot less "what if" scenarios... you would know how that other person felt about you and be able to get on with your damn life!
I'm just sayin, life would be easier...

It's Sucking the Money Out of My Pockets

So, since when did all the books at Barnes & Noble become fifteen dollars or more? I'm pretty sure just last year I bought a novel for around seven or eight dollars. Then again, everything seems to be more expensive these days. A movie ticket is nine dollars at my local movie theater, the icecream I bought tonight was nearly four dollars, and you can't buy a decent meal out without spending at least ten dollars.
I mean it's logical to think, 'Well, of course over your life things are going to become more expensive.' But hey guys! All of these things just happened within the past year! This crappy economy is sucking the money right out of my pockets. No one is buying stuff because they don't have the money to do so & then the government thinks it's a good idea to raise minimum wage in the middle of this economic crisis so that businesses have to raise their prices even more & then people can go ahead & not buy stuff even more. It's all just awesome!
All that said, there's still stuff that you have to buy... like, gas, groceries, etc. So, of course, I'm still gonna buy the five dollar cereal and the four dollar milk cuz you know a sister has to survive (and yes, of course I'm exaggerating about my milk & cereal being that expensive but it seriously is getting there). I don't really have a choice in the matter of buying food just what kind of food I buy. Things like that suck. It means that this year I'm not gonna get to have as much fun times at school... lol, especially since my Sugah Momma isn't around anymore to pay for those fun times.
Yeah, I've gotta start paying for myself this year and that should be interesting... I'll definitely need a job. Where should I apply? Most people make fun of me cuz I'm so short & tell me to apply at the little kids stores because I could fit into the clothes & I'd be on the customer's level. Honestly, I like hanging out with little kids so I just might do that. But, where else?

Everything Is Coming Together

As of the past two days everything in my life seems like it's coming together... My girlfriend broke up with me & I finally had a sit down talk with my ex boyfriend. Haha, most people would think that being broken up with & talking about your issues with your ex wouldn't exactly be an occasion to smile about, but before all this I was conflicted; I didn't know white from black. I was weighed down with guilt, secrecy, & heartache. I felt guilty because I was in a relationship with someone that I knew I could never love. Everywhere I went I had to be cautious to make sure my ex didn't find out about my queerness before I had the chance to tell him. And much worse was the heartache I was experiencing from losing two of my best friends.
I hadn't talked to my ex boyfriend, in person, in over 8 months when we met up the other night. Psh, I hadn't talked to my ex girlfriend in over a month when she finally got the balls to break up with me yesterday morning. So, you can understand why I thought I'd already lost both of those friendships.
So, I talked to my ex boyfriend the other night... I was so nervous. Not just because I hadn't seen him in 8 months but because since the last time I'd seen him he'd changed a lot & needless to say, I'd changed A LOT. We were meeting up so we could lay everything out on the table, in hopes that the both of us could find some closure or at least come to a point where we could be friends again. I, on the other hand, was a little bit more terrified about this meeting than he was, I'm pretty sure. I mean, the most terrifying thing in the world is coming out to someone you have so much history with & are still in love with.
Even though I was shaking & my heart was pounding, for the first time I can remember, coming out to someone was crazy simple & super easy. I straight up told him that when I got to college, last August, I realized that I was interested in more women than just the one girl in high school he already knew about. Like I said, we have a lot of history, so it was easy to just lay it out there like that. What was more amazing was where our conversation led from there. It was the first time that I truly felt that someone completely understood my sexuality. I can't label myself as a lesbian, bisexual, or straight because I don't feel like I fit into any of those categories. I just feel like I fall in love with people for their personas only and really I've come to the place where I know that God is okay with that.
Everything in my life is coming together, again. After my talk with my ex boyfriend, I feel like I'm beginning to regain my best friend. And after hearing my ex even say that he thinks that God is okay with my sexuality, I think I'm starting to get to that place as well.
Oh yeah, and my ex girlfriend... we both agreed that the relationship should end. She was really relieved & we just had a nice friendly talk after that. Caught up on life over the past month. I was happy to hear that she wanted to break up with me cuz well, we run in the same circle of friends and that just would've been awkward.
So, yeah, all my problems just seem to be drifting away & it's great. Life's coming together nicely!