Whatever the case may be, healing is a process and, in this particular case, a very long process.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
My Best Friend Is Gone
What is it about certain songs, certain pictures, or even cars, television shows, billboard signs, etc. that can just flood your heart with emotions? I don't understand why I can look directly at a picture of someone or even talk directly to them and not feel anything, but when I hear a certain song or even someone else says just the right thing, I can feel myself fill up with an incomprehensible amount of emotions. Is it just that we get so used to looking at something that it stops stirring up our insides so the things that actually do surprise us? Or have we all just tried to become numb to the continuous pain that keeps attacking our lives. At some point I guess the anesthesia has to wear off and that's when those sneak attacks from songs & pictures & cars arise. I'm not really sure which of the two it is... maybe it's a little bit of both. I sit and I look at a picture of him that's on my wall every night before I go to bed. It stopped stirring anything up inside me months ago. I think about him every day and I miss him immensely, but I can't remember the last time I cried about him not being here. It's not because I don't want to; it's more so because I just haven't been able to lately. So maybe I have gotten used to my surroundings, but I think I've managed to numb some part of myself as well.
Whatever the case may be, healing is a process and, in this particular case, a very long process.
Whatever the case may be, healing is a process and, in this particular case, a very long process.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I Am Second... Literature?
I found this literature on Iamsecond.com and was basically appalled by how ignorant it was. For a website that is supposed to be like we understand you, see there is some one else that has gone through what you're going through & they made it out with God on their side... I just didn't think they would be so "this is how it is and bam" with their literature. Of course the only one I've looked at so far is the one about homosexuality but it makes me not want to look at anything else.
WHAT FACTORS LEAD FEMALES INTO LESBIANISM?
1. Failure to identify with her weak mother
- Excelling in athletics and becoming a tomboy, thus hindering her the development of her femininity
- Rejecting her mother, thus parenting herself, creating a craving for a mother figure
2. Failure to bond with her non nurturing mother
- Viewing her mother as harsh and overly critical, feeling she can never please her mother
- Blaming her mother for breaking up the family
3. Failure to be drawn to males because of her abusive father or mistreatment from other males
- Refusing to trust men as a result of an emotionally detached, absent, or alcoholic father
- Recoiling from men as a result of sexual or physical abuse by a male
My mother and I of course had a rocky relationship during my middle school years but most people I know didn't have the greatest relationship with their parents back then. I thought that my parents didn't understand me and you know, I basically hated the world. I never got to the point, however, not even in middle school when my relationship with my parents was at its worst, where I "rejected my mother and parented myself."
And since when has involvement in sports hindered femininity? Plus who says being a lesbian means you have to be un-feminine!? Just yesterday I was wearing a sparkly, leopard print top, skinny jeans, & white, beaded heels. Plus I spent about an hour fixing my hair and doing my makeup. If my attraction to women has hindered my femininity please tell me how!
My mother is pretty critical about some things but she's also very encouraging at other times so I don't think that's "the reason" (because you know there's always got to be a reason) I'm attracted to women. I definitely don't think that she's broken up my family! We may not be happy all the time but what family is? I think it's morally wrong for literature like this to blame mothers of queer people for "doing something wrong". If they are extremely religious parents they already feel bad enough without relating the cause of it all to something that they must have done!
And of course the third point on there is just ridiculous. Though I know many people whose fathers have abused them or just been absent/detached from their lives, my father was not like that at all. We have always had our disagreements and I don't get along with his ideologies most of the time, but when it comes down to it I can sit on the couch, cuddle with my Daddy and know that he loves and supports me. My father has been there for most everything that is important to me. (To add onto that most of the people I know that have been abused or their fathers just weren't there, they're straight as can beeeee!)
So, obviously this whole system is a little bit flawed. The rest of the literature is elaborating on the acronym FREEDOM which is an acronym that basically is supposed to guilt someone into giving up the homosexual lifestyle. All I gained from reading this literature and looking up the scripture references is that lusting after someone is wrong and sinful in nature, sex is sacred and should be treated in a sacred way, God loves us forever and ever, and God knew me before I was even formed in the womb. If I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and I'm so special that God even knows the number of hairs on my head, could it be possible that this may be a part of how wonderful I am to God?
Could it be possible that maybe we all need to look at those verses and reanalyze them as not verses to preach against homosexuality but verses to take back the holiness of sexual relations. Everyone in the religious world has this distorted view that as queer people we must obviously be having sex with anything that can walk and for me I know that that's not true. I won't have sex with anyone unless I know I could spend the rest of my life with them.
Even in literature that condemns me to hell, I am able to find some good in it through the scriptures listed. What's kind of funny is that brings me a substantial amount of joy as well!
WHAT FACTORS LEAD FEMALES INTO LESBIANISM?
1. Failure to identify with her weak mother
- Excelling in athletics and becoming a tomboy, thus hindering her the development of her femininity
- Rejecting her mother, thus parenting herself, creating a craving for a mother figure
2. Failure to bond with her non nurturing mother
- Viewing her mother as harsh and overly critical, feeling she can never please her mother
- Blaming her mother for breaking up the family
3. Failure to be drawn to males because of her abusive father or mistreatment from other males
- Refusing to trust men as a result of an emotionally detached, absent, or alcoholic father
- Recoiling from men as a result of sexual or physical abuse by a male
My mother and I of course had a rocky relationship during my middle school years but most people I know didn't have the greatest relationship with their parents back then. I thought that my parents didn't understand me and you know, I basically hated the world. I never got to the point, however, not even in middle school when my relationship with my parents was at its worst, where I "rejected my mother and parented myself."
And since when has involvement in sports hindered femininity? Plus who says being a lesbian means you have to be un-feminine!? Just yesterday I was wearing a sparkly, leopard print top, skinny jeans, & white, beaded heels. Plus I spent about an hour fixing my hair and doing my makeup. If my attraction to women has hindered my femininity please tell me how!
My mother is pretty critical about some things but she's also very encouraging at other times so I don't think that's "the reason" (because you know there's always got to be a reason) I'm attracted to women. I definitely don't think that she's broken up my family! We may not be happy all the time but what family is? I think it's morally wrong for literature like this to blame mothers of queer people for "doing something wrong". If they are extremely religious parents they already feel bad enough without relating the cause of it all to something that they must have done!
And of course the third point on there is just ridiculous. Though I know many people whose fathers have abused them or just been absent/detached from their lives, my father was not like that at all. We have always had our disagreements and I don't get along with his ideologies most of the time, but when it comes down to it I can sit on the couch, cuddle with my Daddy and know that he loves and supports me. My father has been there for most everything that is important to me. (To add onto that most of the people I know that have been abused or their fathers just weren't there, they're straight as can beeeee!)
So, obviously this whole system is a little bit flawed. The rest of the literature is elaborating on the acronym FREEDOM which is an acronym that basically is supposed to guilt someone into giving up the homosexual lifestyle. All I gained from reading this literature and looking up the scripture references is that lusting after someone is wrong and sinful in nature, sex is sacred and should be treated in a sacred way, God loves us forever and ever, and God knew me before I was even formed in the womb. If I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and I'm so special that God even knows the number of hairs on my head, could it be possible that this may be a part of how wonderful I am to God?
Could it be possible that maybe we all need to look at those verses and reanalyze them as not verses to preach against homosexuality but verses to take back the holiness of sexual relations. Everyone in the religious world has this distorted view that as queer people we must obviously be having sex with anything that can walk and for me I know that that's not true. I won't have sex with anyone unless I know I could spend the rest of my life with them.
Even in literature that condemns me to hell, I am able to find some good in it through the scriptures listed. What's kind of funny is that brings me a substantial amount of joy as well!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Exhausted!
I've been so exhausted lately. I'm emotionally tired, physically tired, & mentally tired. I even tried to go to my lake house this last weekend to try & relax but all that accomplished was sleepless nights, getting woken up early each morning by my mother, & finding out my brother is being transferred. I meant for my weekend to be a moment of clarity a moment in which I could figure out what is going on in my head & in my life. However instead of doing homework & just chilling... I got caught up in my family's ongoing never ending drama. I am back at school now and I still just cannot manage to get a wink of sleep into my daily schedule. The work never stops. My mind never seems to stop racing. I can be thankful that the Lord is there to answer me/ just listen when I call his name. In that I'm at least comforted.
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