Call Me Bisexual... Or Maybe Not

"I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have the potential to be attracted -- romantically and physically -- to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree."- Robyn Ochs

I went and listened to Robyn Ochs speak last night on the topic Bisexuality, Feminism, Men, & Me. It was one of the most enlightening & interesting events I've gone to on campus (of course that's not saying much since I've only gone to a few events period). Though what I mostly got out of listening to her speak was what she had to say about bisexuality, I got out a lot out of the rest of what she said as well. She spoke about young girls' overall body image and also about equality in our society (not just between men & women, but also between heterosexuals & the queer community).

Now back track before the first words fell from Robyn's mouth. I walked into that room that night unsure about my identity. I didn't want to label myself as a bisexual because I didn't understand what that meant. I mean, when I walk into a room I notice the women first. It takes a little while for me to notice the men there, but that's not to say that when I do I don't find them attractive. Shoot I could walk through campus and find plenty of attractive men in a few minutes. However, right now I don't see myself ever having another relationship with a man. So, there's this whole identity issue. I mean I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend so identifying as a lesbian doesn't really make sense. Lately, it's just been easier to not identify as anything. But after listening to Robyn speak last night I think that maybe it's ok for me to identify as a bisexual woman. I'm only acknowledging the fact that I have the "potential to be attracted to people of more than one sex". This definition of bisexuality opens things up a bit.

Thinking on this issue of bisexuality Robyn said some things about equality that really made me think. Things such as she would never hold a boyfriend up to different standards than she would a girlfriend. If a man is sensitive and caring he isn't an amazing guy he's a good guy but not amazing. We would never say that a woman is amazing because she's sensitive and caring so why say that a man is? I'm sure at some point or another I've held a man up to different standards than I have woman just because he's a man. I've said it's just a guy thing, whatever. However, I know I've never said oh whatever it's just a girl thing. I've always held the women in my life up to much higher standards than the men. There's something wrong with that.

Of course, there's a lot wrong in our society. I can't walk freely throughout my hometown holding hands with a girlfriend. However, if I had a boyfriend there wouldn't be a problem doing that. Being bisexual, sometimes heterosexual privilege is thrust upon you. Robyn spoke about refusing to do anything with her boyfriend she could not do if she had a girlfriend. Therefore, anyone she felt she couldn't come out to, wasn't able to know about her girlfriends or her boyfriends. If she knew it would be unsafe to kiss a girlfriend in public she couldn't kiss a boyfriend in public either. I like this idea however it would be really hard to keep track of all of the things you can't do. When you're with a girlfriend you're reminded of the things society frowns upon when you go to do them & dirty looks are sent your direction.

It's not an easy thing to do to be bisexual. There's no way of identifying a person as bisexual unless they just tell you. I still am contemplating whether I even like the word... I'm not all about what's in people pants. I'm interested in what's going on inside their minds. That's what turns me on. I find people physically attractive, yes, but that's last on my check list of things I look for in a relationship. I don't give a damn about the anatomy and what eventually will wind up inside me cuz really it's literally all about the mind fuck for me. So I'm still not completely sure if bisexual is the right term to describe me but with Robyn Ochs's definition it's opened up my mind a bit more.

What Is a Friend?

How many times have I tried to create this post so far? Hundreds... At this point I'm not able to turn what I'd like to say into coherent thoughts. I can't even come out with it in an incoherent scramble of words. So, this is going to be my attempt at saying a few things about friends and about love.

What is a friend, exactly? Is it someone who's there to listen to your problems when you're down? Or is it someone who's just there to hang out with you and keep you from being lonely all the time? Maybe it's both. If it is, I feel like maybe I never really had any real friends here in Denton. Although, this definition I have for a friend has room for expansion. Someone who listens to your problems & hangs out with you is kind of a limited definition. However, like I said, I don't know how to turn my thoughts into words at this point so that's the best I can do.

And if that is what a friend is, you would think it wouldn't be so hard to just be friends with my ex, but it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There's so much history there. I want to be a good friend but sometimes it's hard to just be that friend & not freak out about some things that I know shouldn't bother me if I was just being a friend. A good friend would be happy that he's moving on; a good friend would be happy that his life is going amazingly well. However, I sometimes cannot help but be upset that he has been able to move on while I have not. It's horrible, but I am human. And I'm still in love with him. This friendship is the only piece of him I have left and honestly I'm ok with just being friends right now but I need to learn how to be a friend & not his lover.

So what exactly is a friend? My friends here aren't exactly the greatest models most of the time.

I Know, I Think I Know

"Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."- Lois McMaster Bujold

I didn't want to use this blog to necessarily talk about personal aspects of my life, but I think just this once it might be okay for me to take the time to try and answer some of my friends questions. "If you're in love with him and he's in love with you too, why aren't you together?" When a friend asked me this question last week, I tried to give a suitable answer, but I was trying to give a quick answer. The simple answer. Really there's not a simple answer to that question. The complexities to what seem like simple enough aspects of life overwhelm me at times.

Why are my ex boyfriend & I not back together? I can only tell you what I know & what I think I know. As far as what I know... he told me that though he's still in love with me & feels as if he might never get over me, he's moved on to a different part of his life and that though I am still a part of it, I'm not a part of it in that way & if we were to get back together he feels like it might be set him back. We've both changed so much in this past year and I honestly think that he feels we'd revert back into the old versions of ourselves if we got back together.

I know that I broke his heart. I know that for months he thought I betrayed him in more than one way. I was doing what was best for the both of us though he didn't see at the time. What I know is that it's hard to let someone else back into your life after they've caused you so much pain. You don't know that they won't hurt you again.

What I think I know is that he misses being with me but is scared to try it out again for fear it won't work. Frankly, I'm scared of the same thing. Thus, I don't really know how I feel about this whole situation. I think I know that he doesn't want to do the long distance thing again, also. It's a lot of work & we're young people who don't need that much stress in our lives. Though, for him, I wouldn't mind it. I think I know in my heart of hearts that he's the only heterosexual relationship I'll ever have that actually works... at this point I'm thinking maybe homosexual relationships won't work out either and honestly, I'm okay with that. The good times with my ex boyfriend overshadow all of the bad times that came with that relationship.

If things don't work out now... some day our lives will settle down and we'll cross paths again, I think know that; I at least like to hope for that.