Interrogation

So tell me…
Are you dating any boys?

By no means!
But my heart does seem
To sing with songs of love lately.

Isn’t that a bit precarious?
No boy to sing your love song?

No boy,
But someone sings the notes
That make up my soul daily.
Though, I have a feeling
You wouldn’t care for them.

How does that work?
This singing with no boy?
And about this feeling,
How do you know I wouldn’t care for them?

This boy you speak of
Is no boy at all.
In actuality, she is the best woman I’ve ever known.
Her soul fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears.
You care least about her soul, though.
She is not a he.
And that is all that matters.



Not the best but I felt like posting it.

There's a Reason For It All

While walking home from class last week, ridden with anxiety & just trying to get out of my head space, I came across the homeless man I'd encountered a couple of times in the past few weeks. His blankets had fallen on the ground behind his wheel chair so I stopped to pick them up and say a quick hello. This “quick hello” turned into so much more than I ever could have expected.

We chatted about my classes, the weather, Nam, just life in general... as I stood there talking it seemed as if the conversation was beginning to go on forever. Although I’m sure it was all in my head I felt as though I was trapped and there was no way out. This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy talking to the man, I was just ridden with so much anxiety that day and just wanted to go home to my bed, where I felt safe. Finally, I found a way out and as I turned to leave he notice my jacket. Across my chest was the word LOVE. I had forgotten all about it. I've had the jacket for so long that I hardly even take notice of it anymore but as soon as he brought it up I remembered the organization that was so close to my heart. I explained to him that To Write Love On Her Arms was an organization raising awareness about depression and offering help for those who are suicidal. He then began to tell me his story... his amazing story of how he tried but thankfully failed to commit suicide!

On his first attempt he put a gun into his mouth, tried to pull the trigger, and nothing happened. As a result of inspecting the gun he realized the safety just so happened to be on. This problem was easily solvable so he switched the safety to its off position and as he was about to try again he heard his wife walk in the door. Not wanting his wife to see him shooting a bullet through his head, he put the gun away determined to try again later. Fortunately, his family got into some financial problems and he had to sell his gun to feed his family. Still depressed and life still playing out a rough hand, he bought a shot gun right before the uncertainty of the new millennium. Not being able to handle the unknown, he put the shot gun to his chest and pulled the trigger… misfire! At this point he put the shotgun down, and decided he would give up on this idea of killing himself. He knew God must want him here for some reason. He didn’t know what that reason was but he knew God must have a big plan for him.

After hearing this story, my anxiety subsided (at least for a little while). God has a reason and plan for everything. I’ve always known that but I never really got it until that moment. Maybe God’s reason for keeping this man alive was to bring him into my life and inspire some shred of hope back into my soul.

I Feel It In My Bones

What is lying, really?
When I change the pronoun "she" to "them" or "they" when talking about a situation with a girl to friends... is that a lie? When I tell co-workers I spent the previous night singing karaoke at a local bar but leave out the gay bar detail... is that a lie? I mean really what does constitute a lie, because if this whole lying by omission idea has a solid foundation, I've buried myself deep. My whole life has literally become one lie after another, & I've become scarily good at skirting my way around the truth; you know never technically telling a lie.
In this I literally have created two different worlds for myself, the one in which my bisexual self lives, and alternately, the one in which my straight self exists. For a while these worlds existed completed separately & in perfect harmony. Recently however, my two worlds have begun to collide & I'm beginning to have trouble living in the middle of what has become this kind of Venn diagram type of life.
The lying, if that's what we call it, has frequently become a daily task. Living in this way is painful and a chore. Many of these people that only know half of my truth have actually turned out to be some of the most important people in my life. Truly this is the reason it is all so painful. I want more than anything for these people to really be able to know me. It feels wrong to keep holding back a part of my life that defines so much of who I've become over the past few years. However, with all of my deceiving I'm not sure any of these people are ready to actually hear the truth. It's not even something I'm sure how to say.
Until I do something, though, I'll have this feeling gnawing at bones, telling me that something isn't right within my life. Though I know I haven't directly lied to anyone, I've deceived many, and I'm sure it's time to make that right.

What Should One Think

What should one think of the love of their life? Are they that person that brings warmth to your heart when the corners of their mouth lift towards the sky and encroach upon a smile? Do they frustrate you to fiery rage, yet at the same time melt your heart like a fine powdered sugar meeting heat? Or could it possibly be as simple as they have the cutest nose in the world that you just can't get enough of? Shouldn't you at least think they are the cheese to your macaroni?
I'm not sure what kind of person the love of my life should be nor if I'll ever really know what love is once I've found it. I've found it's incredibly hard to clean up the idea of love once it's been tainted. It's not that I've lost all faith in love. I know it exists; in it's purest form love can be beautiful and intense, but in an instant it can turn into something incredibly nasty and tragic.
So perhaps it's a favor done in not even having a chance to love when women tell you they would rather attain their parent's pride than their own happiness or that they are too needy for distance in between them and their partner and when men text message with such a frequency it drives you away.
Yes, I don't know much about what I should think of the love of my life but my idea of love is so tainted it hasn't become much of a problem.

Apparently People Don't Like Being Stared At

I think perhaps I can say now that dating men is just not for me. I tried it and I'm over it. Granted I did only date two guys this summer and they both wound up being a tad bit on the weird side. This isn't to say that I'm not still attracted to men because believe me I'm all about that and a bag of chips; I'm just no longer interested in dating just to experience more of what the male sex has to offer. Perhaps one day a man will charm me with his wits and some obscene knowledge of an interesting topic and sweep me off my feet. However right now it seems other things have sparked my interest.
As of late a certain oh so obvious lesbian at my work has my attention. It's apparently something that she's beginning to notice, which was definitely not my intent. I just wanted to stare at her a bit and you know not completely out myself to the Christian organization I work for, but apparently if you stare at someone enough they begin to notice after a while. As I was clocking out last week, I did my usual stare down on my way out of the office and got a nice little stare back with a smile that almost said something like, "this is weird please stop".
Today didn't make the situation any better. As I walked into work and began to smile at her and her coworkers trying to make it less awkward, she immediately took out her phone and pretended to text. I don't know what's going on there but that encounter in the morning didn't make the one in the afternoon any less uncomfortable. As I was heading out in the afternoon I decided to head to the women's locker room to go to the bath room and as I entered the door she was heading out of the locker room. We nearly collided directly into one another. When we each realized who the other was it was like two magnets repelling each other. It basically turned into a holy shit moment; like if we touched each other all hell was going to break loose and we both would get fired for some dumb reason that would essentially amount to this Christian organization not wanting gay people working with kids.
If only the world wasn't so stupid and we could all just be honest with every one all the time...

THE BISEXUAL

I used to have a bisexual friend that just couldn't be out, not even around some of her closest friends. I never understood it and at times it even angered me. I'm not sure if she even intended to tell me of her sexuality but in any case on the days when she felt like fitting into the hetero-normative mold a little more than she normally did, she had no problem saying things such as, "Gosh your such a lesbian!" "Could you be any more of a lesbo, haha?" She would then go on making snide, stereotypical jokes about lesbians and gays as if she was completely out of that whole spectrum.
Like I said her closeted lifestyle is something I couldn't wrap my mind around, this is especially since she had previously come out and decided randomly to re-closet herself. Some of her family is aware of her sexuality and even at the start of college most of her friends were too. So, obviously trying to fathom the idea of someone wanting to return to a life filled with secrecy and lies is hard, but now I'm beginning to understand it.
I've started to become "THE BISEXUAL." No one sees me anymore. They see who I'm attracted to and a lot of times they don't even see that far because they put another label on me before I can really explain it. Women label me as the slut or the cheater and men tend to label me as gay. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to be labeled as THE BISEXUAL anymore. I just want to be me.
I'm at a point in my life where I want people to know my character, the flaws, the brokenness, the spiritual amazingness, and my humor in it all. I'm sure everyone goes through moments such as this in which they want to break free from their society given labels & identities. I just happen to be a little annoyed with mine...
So, perhaps I'll slowly sink back into my closet. Perhaps I won't. Either way I suppose something has to change within myself for people to start seeing what I want them to see. I do know it's a no win situation... because being out as bisexual is terrifying and not being out can be suffocating.

Simple Like God

After months of feeling disconnected from the world & God in an impeccable way, I decided to venture upon this world wide web of ours & try & dig my heels into a hard core devotional book. Finding a book that could really pull me back into a life of living rather than one of sad mediocrity was a little bit harder than I hoped for. I also wasn't so into opening up a book everyday just to have it scream at me for the entirety of the pages. Needless to say my search for this life changing literature took me quite a while to find. Finally I came across Blue Like Jazz...
I was almost reluctant to purchase the book because of the fad like presence that seemed to precede it. I can remember a few years ago when almost every person I knew was reading this book.... kind of like Harry Potter or Twilight. Nevertheless it really came out to be one of my only options & I figured sometimes there's a reason for a fad.
Now that I am well into the book I realize that that is definitely the case. The way that Miller presents his ideas about God feels like I'm just talking to a friend & I love that! It's helping me to find a more simple & level plain as far as understanding everything that has to do with my relationship with God. I'm also beginning to appreciate my world and everything in it a little more each day... That is a gift that I think anyone can relate to and hone in on, definitely making it a worthwhile reading.

Words Flow Out On Paper

Lately I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. I've realized that because of different stupid reasons I've pushed some of the most important people in my life away.
Trying to prove a point, I've blocked one of my best friends out. But now it's been 8 months & I think she gets the point. I'm angry!... I'm really angry. She's taken everything that's happened with my best friend's death and turned it around to make her out to be the good guy. She's tried to act as if she was there for him and as if she honestly understands what I'm going through. In no way could she be considered the good guy nor does she have any clue what I'm going through in this situation, but I think it's time to try and forgive her; I've proven my point. You know, I've realized that even though she annoys me sometimes I really do need her in my life. It's not okay for me to just cut people out of my life as soon as a problem arises between the two of us.
There are definitely certain people that you just need in your life to keep you, you. During those times when you lose touch with yourself and even the world, one conversation with friends such as these can help you find your inner self once again. We all have those friends. I just so happen to have lost touch with them because I thought I didn't need them anymore. When I came to college I found new "friends" that were really more acquaintances so when I hit rock bottom none of them wanted to be around for that. Thus that left me here, and I can't figure out who this person is that I've become. My "lost me, found me" friends used to be Deanna, Chad, Hana, Ashley, Lacey, & Vincent... I'm not really sure who they are now. I guess that's why I just feel as if I've been lost in who I really am as of late.

I Can't Just Sit Around Forever

I kind of have to pee right now, haha. I'm too busy being awkward in Starbucks to get up and do anything about it though. Basically I've been doing nothing with my life for the past few days, sitting on the couch eating snack cakes and watching tv. I think I do deserve a little credit for at least trying to move my party of nothing to the pool yesterday but when I got there it was closed haha. Hopefully this weekend with my oldest brother's birthday I can find some initiative to do something outside of my job besides sleep and eat. There's a beautiful, wondrous world out there to explore! I can't just sit around my whole summer and do nothing but work, eat, & sleep. That's just insanely boring and no way to live. I may not have very much money to spend, nor very many friends here anymore but I definitely can find at least something to do with my time!

Some Things Shouldn't Be Done Drunk

Some things shouldn’t be done in a drunken stupor. Some things you can’t take back. Things such as kissing your best friend or getting almost naked in front of a whole party of people, you can pretend didn’t happen. However, other things cannot be forgotten; things such as these have to be faced and dealt with eventually. I, in one of my so graceful drunken stupors, made the choice to come out to my brother. Though I wrote a very eloquently put letter, it was not the right time and I was definitely not ready for the repercussions. Coming out to someone who means so much to you is most certainly something for the brave and strong hearted. In that moment I was broken, lonely, and lost. I sought out my brother in hopes that I would finally have someone to confide in who understood my background and my faith. Instead what I found was the person I knew my brother to be but didn’t want to accept, a man whose faith completely goes against the whole idea of homosexuality therefore shows ignorance in every idea he owns of the lgbtq community.
My brother is an exceptional man who I admire in every way but it kills me that he is so ignorant in his ideas of what the lgbtq community is. First of all to him there really is no such thing as btq in the lgbtq community. I may have confused him a little by just telling him “hey I like women” but I did also say “hey I definitely still like men too”. I made it clear that it was something I didn’t know how to change and if I could I would (I know a lot of people say they wouldn’t but for me I feel like my life would be so much easier if I could just turn that part of things off) however, he still feels that it’s a choice for me to be this way but “if I choose to be a lesbian” he’s still going to love me. He wants me to try to date more guys for him. It’s like he didn’t understand my letter. I don’t get it! I still like guys A LOT. I just tend to look at girls more… Anyways, what would dating more guys do? I’m not going to be able to date the gay out of me.
Like I said before, if I could change it I would. My brother seems to think that if I just like girls but don’t date them then it means I’m not gay. Ok, so if I like boys but I don’t date them am I not heterosexual? I mean it’s not like I don’t think about girls when I’m not dating them. I meet girls that I think are cute and I think about how amazing they are and how awesome a life with them would be. It’s not even a sexual thing; it’s an emotional thing. How do I turn that off?
I don’t know… I’ve been thinking about going the dating guys route for a while anyways. I just feel like being normal for a little while & not being just the girl that likes girls. Though when I do assume that role of normalcy it makes me feel a little bad that I’m able to go back and forth because I know that my lesbian friends can’t do that. They can’t just decide they’re going to date guys for a while because they’re not remotely attracted to guys…. I have mixed emotions about it all but I do think it may be something I need to do for me for a little while.

Dreams Are Just Small Reminders

I think I'm beginning to realize that my weird dreams are just small reminders that things aren't really okay without Vincent on this earth. Over the past month or so my world has seemed to turn around in a way I can't even explain. It's one of those things where you look outside & all of a sudden you can see the beauty in God's creation again. I all of a sudden was thankful for everyday & every type of weather (not to say that I wasn't thankful for things before but this was different). It was the first time since Vincent's death that I truly felt blessed and truly saw how gorgeous my life really is. Everyday I would walk to the bus and have a dance in my heart, thankful for the blessings God has provided me with. As of late, though, I've felt that dance slipping away from me. The more I question whether I'm living my life in a Godly manner, the more I miss having someone to talk to about issues such as this... I have missed having an objective friend that can just listen and offer helpful advice not motivated by religious or sexual preferences. Because of this my nights have been filled with little to no sleep lately. The little sleep I have been getting has been ridden with strange dreams that constantly remind me how lost I am without my best friend in this world. When one experiences dreams such as this & begins to think & overthink everything, it's hard to know what exactly you can trust as being reality. I've recently started falling hard for a girl I barely know, and it's hard to know if these feelings even come from some place genuine. It's incredibly possible that they just derive from the desire to feel a closeness with someone right now.

Her Dancers Are Gay!

I had a fun mother's day weekend filled with family fun times. Today was actually a lot of fun (really, I'm not joking). I went to church & Panera Bread with my mother, and then afterward the whole family went to the Rangers game and out to dinner. It was a decent day. Those don't come very often with my family.
Saturday however was a very awkward gathering for my Aunt's birthday at a park close to my grandmother's house. Twas an afternoon filled with rehearsed, almost forced conversation. The same topics were covered (thus the rehearsed feeling) and then the few random topics were thrown in there as well. One of those random topics was Lady Gaga's American Idol performance... you know,of course we couldn't talk about anything with substance. The general references that I was expecting were made towards the performance by my aunt, "That was just very weird" "They advertise it as a family show & then they put that filth on there!" Then my cousin made a remark that reminded me once again why I can't come out to my family.
I don't know if anyone reads this but if any one does & you hear me talking about coming out to my family remind me of this. My cousin, as the rest of my family was jumping on the band wagon, making foul remarks about Lady Gaga, decided to say this with a look of disgust on his face, "Yeah and you know all of her dancers are gay!"
My response to that was "So????" But you know the rest of my family thought that was just deplorable... So yeah, I'm gonna start writing about this stuff on here so that if I do get mobbed by family someday because they found out I likes the ladies someone will know what happened to me lol.

Tegan?

I had a dream last night that I was interviewing for an internship with Tegan & Sara. There was a lot of other weird stuff going on, as always within my dreams, but the funniest & for some reason most vivid part of my dream was when I was talking to Sara Quin. She & her assistant were grilling me with questions and finally, after what seemed like an enormously long time, the assistant looked at Sara & said she thought I would do. However Sara had her suspicions & gave me one final test, "What's my name?" I blanked. I couldn't remember which one of the sisters she was or any of the differences between their appearances. When I answered, "Tegan?", Sara exploded. "See I told you she wasn't right for the job!..." She went on wringing me out to dry. I don't remember what all she said but I know I woke up feeling traumatized for some reason. I have no clue why. I mean it would make sense to be a little bit upset about someone wringing you out like that but traumatized? Come on! Haha, my dreams are a little bit twisted.

Hey I Like Rainbows

Walking around on Wednesday with a baggy tank top on & pants that looked like something in between cargo & parachute pants, I realized that my look basically screamed gay. Really it was like, "Hey guys look at me, I'm a Queer!" I honestly looked like an Alanis Morissette or Ani DiFranco mini me, it was not even cute. And obviously I don't dress like that everyday or I wouldn't have any reason to be writing about it, but days like that I can't help but wonder how my parents or other people in my family haven't realized I've got a little bit of gayness going on.
I understand that you do get used to the idea of a person being straight & it's easy to ignore little hints thrown out there because most people don't want their children to be gay. And honestly no parent wants to jump to conclusions about a certain way their children are dressing or acting, but come on! Days when I dress like this on top of how much of a guy I can be sometimes is like "Hey guys I like rainbows!"
Though I don't dress in my Alanis Morissette wanna be outfits on purpose, I do feel like it would be so much easier for my parents to just figure out that I'm bisexual or at least think I'm a lesbian. So maybe I do push it a little bit with the hints I drop around them "I'm probably not gonna get married" "If I have kids I'm going to adopt them"... the other day I even started talking to them about my views on gay marriage. Basically I'd rather them find out on their own, deal with it, then the initial blow up when I do tell them will maybe be a little less. But who knows, I'll have to do some major praying before I decide to do that.

I Died & Rose Again

So Easter Sunday was last week and which marked the end of lent. It was probably the most interesting Easter weekend I've had in my whole life not to mention one of the most interesting endings to lent (I gave up caffeine). On Good Friday I went through an experience that was like dying. I found myself in the park by what used to be my best friend's house late that night; curled up inside a slide on the playground there, I was all but completely broken. When I finally did get the motivation to leave the park it was for the satisfaction of a few drinks so that I could forget why I had come to that park. In a few hours, needless to say, I was hammered. I was finally able to kill that piece of me.

The next day, Saturday, my friend invited me to come along with her to visit my best friend's mom. It was such an amazing experience! I felt like I was then burying that piece that I had killed the day before. As the day went on I got to know her more and more and as we reminisced about my lost friend, her son, I was beginning to feel something for the first time in months. There were other amazing things that happened that day but that was the best of them.

Early Easter morning as I sat in Easter Sunday service the words of the pastor struck a special chord with my heart. I felt as if I had risen from the dead that day along with Christ Jesus! I had a miraculous weekend... I honestly I feel I haven't really been living for six months now and I finally died on Good Friday. I think that weekend was to show me that even though my best friend is gone that my life can truly go on for me as well as for others. To see how well his mother was doing really helped me in that.

... All theology aside, I delved too deep into caffeine last week which resulted in this...

Skanky Ladies

I've just been wondering something lately... what is it about lesbians that they have to move so quickly in relationships? Or it could just be my whole entire generation that's in a huge hurry, and everyone, not just lesbians, have their relationships in fast forward. I'm starting to think I'm the only one with this crazy notion still stuck in my head; the notion that people should get to know each other before sexual advances are made, but you know there may be a few people out there that still hold some of these ideals close to their heart.

I just can't get into the whole idea of going on a first date getting to know a few monetary details about someone, then deciding to go on a second date where you hear a few more details about who that person is, find out a little bit of their past, and then discuss much of their sexual history. Once you've gotten through these first two dates and you've gotten the "getting to know you stage" out of the way, (because after two dates you obviously know so much about this person) and it's now time for the "sex date." On this date you've got a little more of a chance to get to know this person but really it's all going to end up in the bedroom in the end, so the conversation I would assume is all leaning in that direction (sex! sex! sex!) Then finally you get to the "yes! yes! yes!" part, I guess.

Call me old fashioned & I guess anti-queer culture, but I still think that sex is something special that should be reserved for two people that are madly in love with each other. It's definitely not something that should be casual & definitely not something to be experienced with someone you barely know.

Sick Ice Cream

I'm sick today and my boss wasn't so happy about me calling in sick. I was so upset that I couldn't go teach my class today. I love those kids! They are definitely the most amazing kids in the world! I suppose last night's late night ice cream could have something to do with me being sick. It could just have been the little bit I needed to push me over the edge from healthy to unwell. But I can't say that if I knew it was going to make me sick that I still wouldn't have gone to get it. I'm having a somewhat horrible week and I NEEDED that ice cream to keep me from a mental breakdown.

My Best Friend Is Gone

What is it about certain songs, certain pictures, or even cars, television shows, billboard signs, etc. that can just flood your heart with emotions? I don't understand why I can look directly at a picture of someone or even talk directly to them and not feel anything, but when I hear a certain song or even someone else says just the right thing, I can feel myself fill up with an incomprehensible amount of emotions. Is it just that we get so used to looking at something that it stops stirring up our insides so the things that actually do surprise us? Or have we all just tried to become numb to the continuous pain that keeps attacking our lives. At some point I guess the anesthesia has to wear off and that's when those sneak attacks from songs & pictures & cars arise. I'm not really sure which of the two it is... maybe it's a little bit of both. I sit and I look at a picture of him that's on my wall every night before I go to bed. It stopped stirring anything up inside me months ago. I think about him every day and I miss him immensely, but I can't remember the last time I cried about him not being here. It's not because I don't want to; it's more so because I just haven't been able to lately. So maybe I have gotten used to my surroundings, but I think I've managed to numb some part of myself as well.
Whatever the case may be, healing is a process and, in this particular case, a very long process.

I Am Second... Literature?

I found this literature on Iamsecond.com and was basically appalled by how ignorant it was. For a website that is supposed to be like we understand you, see there is some one else that has gone through what you're going through & they made it out with God on their side... I just didn't think they would be so "this is how it is and bam" with their literature. Of course the only one I've looked at so far is the one about homosexuality but it makes me not want to look at anything else.

WHAT FACTORS LEAD FEMALES INTO LESBIANISM?

1. Failure to identify with her weak mother
- Excelling in athletics and becoming a tomboy, thus hindering her the development of her femininity
- Rejecting her mother, thus parenting herself, creating a craving for a mother figure

2. Failure to bond with her non nurturing mother
- Viewing her mother as harsh and overly critical, feeling she can never please her mother
- Blaming her mother for breaking up the family

3. Failure to be drawn to males because of her abusive father or mistreatment from other males
- Refusing to trust men as a result of an emotionally detached, absent, or alcoholic father
- Recoiling from men as a result of sexual or physical abuse by a male

My mother and I of course had a rocky relationship during my middle school years but most people I know didn't have the greatest relationship with their parents back then. I thought that my parents didn't understand me and you know, I basically hated the world. I never got to the point, however, not even in middle school when my relationship with my parents was at its worst, where I "rejected my mother and parented myself."

And since when has involvement in sports hindered femininity? Plus who says being a lesbian means you have to be un-feminine!? Just yesterday I was wearing a sparkly, leopard print top, skinny jeans, & white, beaded heels. Plus I spent about an hour fixing my hair and doing my makeup. If my attraction to women has hindered my femininity please tell me how!

My mother is pretty critical about some things but she's also very encouraging at other times so I don't think that's "the reason" (because you know there's always got to be a reason) I'm attracted to women. I definitely don't think that she's broken up my family! We may not be happy all the time but what family is? I think it's morally wrong for literature like this to blame mothers of queer people for "doing something wrong". If they are extremely religious parents they already feel bad enough without relating the cause of it all to something that they must have done!

And of course the third point on there is just ridiculous. Though I know many people whose fathers have abused them or just been absent/detached from their lives, my father was not like that at all. We have always had our disagreements and I don't get along with his ideologies most of the time, but when it comes down to it I can sit on the couch, cuddle with my Daddy and know that he loves and supports me. My father has been there for most everything that is important to me. (To add onto that most of the people I know that have been abused or their fathers just weren't there, they're straight as can beeeee!)

So, obviously this whole system is a little bit flawed. The rest of the literature is elaborating on the acronym FREEDOM which is an acronym that basically is supposed to guilt someone into giving up the homosexual lifestyle. All I gained from reading this literature and looking up the scripture references is that lusting after someone is wrong and sinful in nature, sex is sacred and should be treated in a sacred way, God loves us forever and ever, and God knew me before I was even formed in the womb. If I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and I'm so special that God even knows the number of hairs on my head, could it be possible that this may be a part of how wonderful I am to God?

Could it be possible that maybe we all need to look at those verses and reanalyze them as not verses to preach against homosexuality but verses to take back the holiness of sexual relations. Everyone in the religious world has this distorted view that as queer people we must obviously be having sex with anything that can walk and for me I know that that's not true. I won't have sex with anyone unless I know I could spend the rest of my life with them.

Even in literature that condemns me to hell, I am able to find some good in it through the scriptures listed. What's kind of funny is that brings me a substantial amount of joy as well!

Exhausted!

I've been so exhausted lately. I'm emotionally tired, physically tired, & mentally tired. I even tried to go to my lake house this last weekend to try & relax but all that accomplished was sleepless nights, getting woken up early each morning by my mother, & finding out my brother is being transferred. I meant for my weekend to be a moment of clarity a moment in which I could figure out what is going on in my head & in my life. However instead of doing homework & just chilling... I got caught up in my family's ongoing never ending drama. I am back at school now and I still just cannot manage to get a wink of sleep into my daily schedule. The work never stops. My mind never seems to stop racing. I can be thankful that the Lord is there to answer me/ just listen when I call his name. In that I'm at least comforted.

It's Just The Tiniest Thing

I don't know what's been up with me lately. The tiniest thing has been able to set me off. It might just be the combination of all the goings on in life have started to become too much for me to handle. Today I got a ticket & freaked the hell out about it. I think it was mostly because I know my insurance is already going to be raised because I got into an accident and now it will be raised even more because of this ticket.
Got into an accident and barely scratched this lady's truck & she felt the need to report it to the police who then decided that he needed to give me a ticket... me, the person who had my license & current insurance (which she did not have & did not get a ticket). My parents couldn't understand why I was freaking out so much which I guess I shouldn't have been hyperventilating and all, hah. But I don't get paid til the middle of next month and I'm tired of being The Artful Dodger that's picking my parents' pockets all the time. I'm twenty years old and I'm not so stupid to think that we're completely and totally financially okay. I also know that I'm one of the biggest reasons my family hardly ever has any money... they're paying for my insurance, gas, apartment, cell phone, tuition, books, 6 prescription medications, frequent doctors visits & medical tests (in the past year I had 4 or 5 MRIs, a Discogram, CT Scan, and two Epidural Injections).
I think I freaked about this ticket today because I linked all of the things together quickly in my head. I thought, 'If I continue on my way to buy groceries, I won't have enough money to pay for this ticket, and then my parents will have to pay it, but then I won't be able to eat, but I can't ask them to pay this ticket, how am I gonna live!' It's crazy how I ultimately link not being able to go grocery shopping to starving to death... but that's where I wound up & I ultimately didn't buy groceries today. I went home and went to bed, trying to forget 'my horrible day' which definitely could've been much worse. I think by the time I wound up in my bed, my crying was no longer really about my ticket but more so about the compilation of things I'm upset about in life right now that I just haven't been able to deal with.
My mom called me after my nap and told me not to worry about my ticket & that she would give me some money so that I could pay the ticket & also get groceries... I still don't know how I feel about it but for now I don't have any other option than to accept her money. And no I don't want to sell myself!

Truth or Dare

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like being as gay as you possibly can be? Today didn't start off that way, but after making a Truth or Dare video in which one of the dares was to dress opposite from your normal stereotype, I just felt moved to do all things gay! I looked extremely lesbian in every sense of the word. After my gayed out Truth or Dare video, I danced around the house to hip hop and when that was done with I sat down & turned my TV to Logo. Normally I get made fun of for fitting different stereotypes but today (after being home for almost a month & being perfectly straight for weeks) I just felt like expressing the queer side of me. There's nothing wrong with this bisexual lady wanting to express her gay side for just one day. I agree I might've gone over the top. After a few hours of Logo I put my hat on (backwards, of course) and headed out to Panera Bread to pick up the ultimate in vegetarian sandwiches. I had forgotten how small of a town my hometown still was. When I walked into Panera everyone immediately stared at me. Ordering something vegetarian definitely didn't help my cause, haha! On my way home a Lady Gaga song came on the radio & I danced in the only way a Lesbian (for a day) would dance- crazy as hell! It was a lot of fun playing out all of these stereotypes and I agree a lot of lesbians/bisexual women do fit some of them sometimes but most of us don't fit them all of the time. I like to listen to Tegan and Sara- sometimes. I like to dress in baggy clothes- sometimes. I hook my keys to my belt- sometimes. I wear my hat backwards- sometimes. I dance badly- sometimes. I mean someone probably fits one of the hundreds of stereotypes but I'm sure there's someone in the world who likes Creed too.

My super lesbian day was a lot of fun but that's sooo not who I am & definitely not who I want to be. I likes me some men! I ended my day by watching Miles Austin's fine ass make a touch down for The Dallas Cowboys! Watching the game was the cherry on top of my gay day haha.

Ever Been This Bored?

I feel like I'm about to go insane sitting at home doing nothing these days. I'm so ready for school to start & give me something to do with my time & have a little more human interaction.

Moving On Is a Process

Though, in my previous post I said that the new year doesn't necessarily come with new beginnings, I did two things as this new year began that have begun to liberate me. I deleted my ex's number from my phone & I deleted him off my facebook. Now this isn't to say that I plan on cutting him out of my life completely. However, it puts me in a place where I can only talk to him and find out what's going on in his life if he talks to me first. In this, I'm letting him have a fair chance at falling in love with someone else. And allowing myself to maybe move on as well. With me not being able to constantly text him/im him, he'll have more room to let someone else in... and this time maybe he'll be able to let them completely into his heart & not push them away because he's still hung up on me. I still love him and would love for him to wind up with me but at this point I don't think that's where he wants to wind up & I need to stop thinking that that's where it's all heading. So... this is my first step in really really trying to just be friends with him. In order to do that, right now, I can be there for him when he needs/wants to talk but that's about it.

New Year- Old Shit

People look at the new year as if it's this huge blank slate. Like somehow we're all getting a new lease on life. However, I see it as this... my best friend is still six feet under and I still have all the problems I had yesterday. Maybe we all make such a big deal out of the new year because the thought of dealing with the fact that nothing in life ever really just goes away is too difficult for our fragile souls to deal with. The truth of it is that the shit will continue to pile on, & there is nothing we can do to stop it or to make it go away.

But the light in all of this is that things like good friends, spontaneity, warm cookies, a good chick flick, etc... can all make our shit smell a little better & sometimes even make it smell so good that we forget what we've got hidden in the dark corners of our minds.