Don't Do It

I knew before but I've had a very sudden refresher course over the past month or so... Don't date your friends. Just don't do it! Maybe it's not even a good idea to be friends with exes after you've dated. But if you were friends before you dated which are you first? Friends or exes. It's hard to differentiate sometimes. More on this later... school & work awaits me now. I felt the brunt of my situation a few moments ago. Thus, I felt the need to write about it.

It's definitely hard to act like nothing happened between two people and go back to being the inseparable friends you once were. It's really hard when the other person hurt you in a pretty harsh way. But I think it becomes even more difficult when your ex starts dating someone else and wants you to slip back into that best friend mode. I mean I don't blame my exes cuz everyone wants their friends to meet the people they're dating and show them off to the world, but when some of your closest friends and your exes are one in the same... well, I'm not so sure you can go about it in the same way.

One of my exes recently started dating someone else & I'm really happy that this person is making him happy but, even though he's become one of my best friends, it still is hard for me to think about him with other people. In situations such as this, sometimes I'm not so sure which one I seem to be first. Am I the bitter ex or am I his old/new friend? It's confusing sometimes to differentiate the two. I.E. when an ex asks me for relationship advice is it really possible for me to give a legitimate, honest, unbiased answer? In this way I'm the ex girlfriend first. However, when I see cute facebook comments between an ex & a new partner it makes me smile because I know that they're happy. In this, I'm the friend.

All that dating your friends ever does is put one in a difficult position after the relationship ends... The friendship will never be the same no matter how hard you try. A hint of resentment will always be in the air from one party or another, and often from both. Though, I say dating your friends is a bad idea I know that I'll most likely do a somersault at another friend's feet soon. I tend to only fall for friends.

Blame It On The Alcohol

I was told by a friend that I just need to be more care free like her & not worry so much about relationships... The only reason she's so carefree is because of the alcohol. I know this because even though she wants to pretend like no one understands where she's coming from, I'm the same way as her. Every time I'm in a rough situation I want to drink. I want to be able to separate myself from reality in such a way that I forget everything that has happened to me. However, I've lost too many close friends and family to drug/alcohol addiction, so even though in most cases all I want to do is drink the pain away & become this carefree version of myself that I love, I refrain from even touching one drink.
In the past I've made it my rule of thumb that alcoholic drinks are only to be consumed when I'm at a happy point in my life. In this, I don't become dependent on it. Unfortunately, last night I broke my rule & just after one night of relying on this drug to suppress my connection with reality, I want so badly to go out and drink again. I know it's not a good idea to begin this cycle but when I woke this morning my first thoughts weren't of how much I miss my best friend or how heart broken I am. Instead I woke up with a clear mind, thinking of absolutely nothing. It was so incredibly refreshing!
I have an addictive personality & alcoholism runs in my family... I know I shouldn't go out tonight but the bad feelings are coming back & it's becoming harder to say no to parties when I know that this short disconnect from reality creates the best feelings I've felt in months.

Something to Take Home to Mom

I'm not something to take home to your mother... nor am I something to take home to your father. However, isn't life about pursuing what makes you happy and not what's going to make your parents or other people in your life happy? With everything that has happened in my life, losing my grandmother, a good friend, someone who was like a brother, & also losing a best friend, I've learned that life's too short to live for anyone other than yourself. In the words of Gavin Degraw, "I don't want to be anything other than me!" And when you live only to satisfy the wants of other people you just can't be happy. Maybe for a while you're happy because for once you've found their approval but when you realize that what you're doing isn't being done for you but for them, then that happiness will quickly fade. If you always have to put up a front to seek your parent's approval, are they truly approving of the person you've become? If you even have to put up a front to the person you're dating (the person that your parents approve of) is it really real? I mean is anything real if they don't know the true version of you? It doesn't make sense to me to choose to date someone based on the fact that your parents approve of them because honestly what has always mattered most to me is how I feel about them. You're definitely not something I can take home to my mother either... but that never really mattered to me because I live for no one but myself!

The Little Things You Do To Me

At first I was scared cuz I didn't know what I was getting myself into but now I just don't care because my heart has been smiling since I left you... Maybe Vincent was right about us because it's all becoming something I can really believe in too. And I don't even care about all the complicated details of my life right now; I just know that when I think about your beautiful face I can't wipe the goofy grin off of mine. For me, being happy in my day to day life is all that matters. Why worry about what might happen four months down the road? A lot can change in that amount of time & those details in my life might not be so complicated anymore.