Why is it so hard?

I wish that more people in this world could take people for who they are and not lump them into a category upon immediately meeting them. I also wish more people could identify with who they are as a person rather than using their sexuality to define themselves. Why fall into the world's views of what a lesbian is and so on? Why can't people just be their own version of themselves? There's so much more to people than just their sexuality. Of course, if there weren't so many people that weren't just like, "Hi I'm Sarah; I'm a lesbian!" then there wouldn't be so much of a problem with the rest of the world using a person's sexuality to define a person's character.

Granted I do hang out with a lot of gay people, I go to the gay bar, & last night I did go to a drag party, but you can't just define me as a lesbian & say that's who I am. There's so much more there. I fall into many of the stereotypes but I've got a lot more going for me. I read my Bible nightly, I don't ever do meaningless anything (kisses included), I find beauty in every aspect of life... And really this is the same for a lot of my gay friends. It just makes me so angry when people define themselves by their sexuality or others do it for them.

One of the many but super solvable reasons people are afraid to come out to their friends. They don't want to be defined by their sexuality but by the person they truly are. Why is that so hard? Really, why is that so hard?

My Dreams Have No Barriers

I've decided I'm going to try to start writing on here on a more regular basis... What should I write about today? I need inspiration. I love this classical music I'm listening to on my J.S. Bach station, but it's just not very inspirational. Perhaps I'll switch to a different station (maybe even one that has words on it). Ah, that's better! Let's blog!

"I often miss this little girl… whose dreams had no barriers… who believed in a world where anything is possible; with a heart that was full and unbroken." I found this quote on post secret quite a while ago & it seems I go back & look at it at least once a week. I relate to it as if I'd even said it myself (which of course I didn't). Since I was a little kid I can always remember my parents telling me I could do anything I wanted to do; I never had a practical dream. I wanted to be an artist, then an author, a singer, a beluga whale trainer, and early in high school I decided I wanted to be a dancer. But before I could even start to get my dream off the ground, the realization that becoming a dancer wasn't a practical plan for my future changed all of my plans towards the end of high school.

I think that's one of the biggest part of growing up. You get to the point where you stop dreaming and start to think about what's practical. I guess I've gotten half way there. I took a step back after I didn't make the dance program at my college & decided that I should try a more practical route. Dance therapy would allow me to still be a part of the dance world while being able to have a rooted job. However, I've gotten to the point that I'm starting to think that that's not even a practical enough route to take anymore. In this economy who's going to spend money on a dance therapist? Plus, after because of this back surgery I don't know if I'll ever be able to dance again.

The pressure from my parents and everyone around me tells me I should change my plans completely and opt for a job with more stability and a bigger market. I've often thought about it, but then I look back at that little girl who dreamed about having the world. The girl that thought nothing else mattered as long as she was doing what she was passionate about. The little girl that thought nothing could touch her. I need to fulfill at least this part of my dream to keep that little girl from screaming at me, "What are you doing!? Why did you quit!? You should never give up your dreams!"

It kills me to think about all the talented people I know that are opting out for the safe route. I can't be that person too. No one should ever give up their dreams until they know that they will fail at them... and you know maybe you shouldn't even give up on them then. Our parents tell us we can do anything we want; they never really believe that we could, though. So, I'm not giving up on this dream! Others I will someday be able to let go. I must let them go in order to be able to pursue this dream.

For now I'll just let this little girl remind me where I'm heading. I'm heading to a wide open world with endless possibilities. Anything could happen for me at this point & I'm loving it!

Two Dancing Ladies

So I'm back at college now & I can say I fully enjoy it here more than at home, but there's a bitter sweetness about it. Last night whilst at the local gay bar I spotted someone I'd never seen there before. She captivated me in every way! It was karaoke night so there weren't many people on the dance floor and I'm sure that any other night I probably would've noticed her, as well, but last night just made my view of her all the more clear. As she stepped out onto the dance floor, she grabbed what seemed to be her girlfriend and started moving to the beat. I became enthralled at how beautiful the two of them were together. My newly spotted interest would spin her girl around underneath her arm, bring her in close & then send her out twirling again. They seemed so happy in that dance. Definitely a kind of happiness and beauty I've always longed for with someone. Staring at the beautiful couple and thinking about my life, I was suddenly interrupted by my friend April with, "Whatcha thinkin bout?" My instinctive response was, "Nothing!" Then I realized that I was talking to someone who knew me well & I definitely wouldn't be able to fool her so I quickly changed my response to, "Everything...."
I don't know what it is about certain things that make you think about "everything." There's always something different but last night I obviously was set off by this attractive couple dancing. It made me think about my sexuality. Made me start to miss both of my exes. It also made me wonder if I'll ever know anything comparable to the love that I once knew.
All I know is that these two women dancing were so beautiful. They had an innocent kind of air to their love. That, I think is what was most refreshing.

What Is It About I Love You?

So, what exactly is it about saying I love you that moves a person to tears or more often terrifies one to death? It's just three words. Standing alone each word doesn't seem to shake us at all. Obviously "I" and "you" have little effect on any person. The word "love", however, you would think, would mean a little more to people. It really doesn't seem that way, though. I even call many of my friends by the pet name "love" and none of them bat an eye lash when the word is spoken. Without a doubt, there's only power in those three words when spoken together, in sequence I... love... you.
It's an extreme type of power that these words seem to hold, and frankly, it doesn't make sense to me. We freak out about saying them to a person for weeks, often months, building up this huge scenario in our minds about how it's going to be when we do actually say I love you, & then when we do, it's just disappointing. Either the other person actually does love you too and just says, "Oh I love you too," or they don't feel the same way and they say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Why do we torture ourselves? We wait for the perfect moment to say these three words for months and months. Why not just get the moment over with? It doesn't matter if the moment is right or not! Okay, well to a degree it matters, but the moment doesn't have to be absolutely perfect.
Think about a world where everyone just told people when they fell in love with each other. How much heartache would that save us? A lot! I mean yeah, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you thought it would, but it gives you closure so that you can move on. There would be a lot less "what if" scenarios... you would know how that other person felt about you and be able to get on with your damn life!
I'm just sayin, life would be easier...

It's Sucking the Money Out of My Pockets

So, since when did all the books at Barnes & Noble become fifteen dollars or more? I'm pretty sure just last year I bought a novel for around seven or eight dollars. Then again, everything seems to be more expensive these days. A movie ticket is nine dollars at my local movie theater, the icecream I bought tonight was nearly four dollars, and you can't buy a decent meal out without spending at least ten dollars.
I mean it's logical to think, 'Well, of course over your life things are going to become more expensive.' But hey guys! All of these things just happened within the past year! This crappy economy is sucking the money right out of my pockets. No one is buying stuff because they don't have the money to do so & then the government thinks it's a good idea to raise minimum wage in the middle of this economic crisis so that businesses have to raise their prices even more & then people can go ahead & not buy stuff even more. It's all just awesome!
All that said, there's still stuff that you have to buy... like, gas, groceries, etc. So, of course, I'm still gonna buy the five dollar cereal and the four dollar milk cuz you know a sister has to survive (and yes, of course I'm exaggerating about my milk & cereal being that expensive but it seriously is getting there). I don't really have a choice in the matter of buying food just what kind of food I buy. Things like that suck. It means that this year I'm not gonna get to have as much fun times at school... lol, especially since my Sugah Momma isn't around anymore to pay for those fun times.
Yeah, I've gotta start paying for myself this year and that should be interesting... I'll definitely need a job. Where should I apply? Most people make fun of me cuz I'm so short & tell me to apply at the little kids stores because I could fit into the clothes & I'd be on the customer's level. Honestly, I like hanging out with little kids so I just might do that. But, where else?

Everything Is Coming Together

As of the past two days everything in my life seems like it's coming together... My girlfriend broke up with me & I finally had a sit down talk with my ex boyfriend. Haha, most people would think that being broken up with & talking about your issues with your ex wouldn't exactly be an occasion to smile about, but before all this I was conflicted; I didn't know white from black. I was weighed down with guilt, secrecy, & heartache. I felt guilty because I was in a relationship with someone that I knew I could never love. Everywhere I went I had to be cautious to make sure my ex didn't find out about my queerness before I had the chance to tell him. And much worse was the heartache I was experiencing from losing two of my best friends.
I hadn't talked to my ex boyfriend, in person, in over 8 months when we met up the other night. Psh, I hadn't talked to my ex girlfriend in over a month when she finally got the balls to break up with me yesterday morning. So, you can understand why I thought I'd already lost both of those friendships.
So, I talked to my ex boyfriend the other night... I was so nervous. Not just because I hadn't seen him in 8 months but because since the last time I'd seen him he'd changed a lot & needless to say, I'd changed A LOT. We were meeting up so we could lay everything out on the table, in hopes that the both of us could find some closure or at least come to a point where we could be friends again. I, on the other hand, was a little bit more terrified about this meeting than he was, I'm pretty sure. I mean, the most terrifying thing in the world is coming out to someone you have so much history with & are still in love with.
Even though I was shaking & my heart was pounding, for the first time I can remember, coming out to someone was crazy simple & super easy. I straight up told him that when I got to college, last August, I realized that I was interested in more women than just the one girl in high school he already knew about. Like I said, we have a lot of history, so it was easy to just lay it out there like that. What was more amazing was where our conversation led from there. It was the first time that I truly felt that someone completely understood my sexuality. I can't label myself as a lesbian, bisexual, or straight because I don't feel like I fit into any of those categories. I just feel like I fall in love with people for their personas only and really I've come to the place where I know that God is okay with that.
Everything in my life is coming together, again. After my talk with my ex boyfriend, I feel like I'm beginning to regain my best friend. And after hearing my ex even say that he thinks that God is okay with my sexuality, I think I'm starting to get to that place as well.
Oh yeah, and my ex girlfriend... we both agreed that the relationship should end. She was really relieved & we just had a nice friendly talk after that. Caught up on life over the past month. I was happy to hear that she wanted to break up with me cuz well, we run in the same circle of friends and that just would've been awkward.
So, yeah, all my problems just seem to be drifting away & it's great. Life's coming together nicely!