Dreams Are Just Small Reminders

I think I'm beginning to realize that my weird dreams are just small reminders that things aren't really okay without Vincent on this earth. Over the past month or so my world has seemed to turn around in a way I can't even explain. It's one of those things where you look outside & all of a sudden you can see the beauty in God's creation again. I all of a sudden was thankful for everyday & every type of weather (not to say that I wasn't thankful for things before but this was different). It was the first time since Vincent's death that I truly felt blessed and truly saw how gorgeous my life really is. Everyday I would walk to the bus and have a dance in my heart, thankful for the blessings God has provided me with. As of late, though, I've felt that dance slipping away from me. The more I question whether I'm living my life in a Godly manner, the more I miss having someone to talk to about issues such as this... I have missed having an objective friend that can just listen and offer helpful advice not motivated by religious or sexual preferences. Because of this my nights have been filled with little to no sleep lately. The little sleep I have been getting has been ridden with strange dreams that constantly remind me how lost I am without my best friend in this world. When one experiences dreams such as this & begins to think & overthink everything, it's hard to know what exactly you can trust as being reality. I've recently started falling hard for a girl I barely know, and it's hard to know if these feelings even come from some place genuine. It's incredibly possible that they just derive from the desire to feel a closeness with someone right now.

Her Dancers Are Gay!

I had a fun mother's day weekend filled with family fun times. Today was actually a lot of fun (really, I'm not joking). I went to church & Panera Bread with my mother, and then afterward the whole family went to the Rangers game and out to dinner. It was a decent day. Those don't come very often with my family.
Saturday however was a very awkward gathering for my Aunt's birthday at a park close to my grandmother's house. Twas an afternoon filled with rehearsed, almost forced conversation. The same topics were covered (thus the rehearsed feeling) and then the few random topics were thrown in there as well. One of those random topics was Lady Gaga's American Idol performance... you know,of course we couldn't talk about anything with substance. The general references that I was expecting were made towards the performance by my aunt, "That was just very weird" "They advertise it as a family show & then they put that filth on there!" Then my cousin made a remark that reminded me once again why I can't come out to my family.
I don't know if anyone reads this but if any one does & you hear me talking about coming out to my family remind me of this. My cousin, as the rest of my family was jumping on the band wagon, making foul remarks about Lady Gaga, decided to say this with a look of disgust on his face, "Yeah and you know all of her dancers are gay!"
My response to that was "So????" But you know the rest of my family thought that was just deplorable... So yeah, I'm gonna start writing about this stuff on here so that if I do get mobbed by family someday because they found out I likes the ladies someone will know what happened to me lol.

Tegan?

I had a dream last night that I was interviewing for an internship with Tegan & Sara. There was a lot of other weird stuff going on, as always within my dreams, but the funniest & for some reason most vivid part of my dream was when I was talking to Sara Quin. She & her assistant were grilling me with questions and finally, after what seemed like an enormously long time, the assistant looked at Sara & said she thought I would do. However Sara had her suspicions & gave me one final test, "What's my name?" I blanked. I couldn't remember which one of the sisters she was or any of the differences between their appearances. When I answered, "Tegan?", Sara exploded. "See I told you she wasn't right for the job!..." She went on wringing me out to dry. I don't remember what all she said but I know I woke up feeling traumatized for some reason. I have no clue why. I mean it would make sense to be a little bit upset about someone wringing you out like that but traumatized? Come on! Haha, my dreams are a little bit twisted.