It's Just The Tiniest Thing

I don't know what's been up with me lately. The tiniest thing has been able to set me off. It might just be the combination of all the goings on in life have started to become too much for me to handle. Today I got a ticket & freaked the hell out about it. I think it was mostly because I know my insurance is already going to be raised because I got into an accident and now it will be raised even more because of this ticket.
Got into an accident and barely scratched this lady's truck & she felt the need to report it to the police who then decided that he needed to give me a ticket... me, the person who had my license & current insurance (which she did not have & did not get a ticket). My parents couldn't understand why I was freaking out so much which I guess I shouldn't have been hyperventilating and all, hah. But I don't get paid til the middle of next month and I'm tired of being The Artful Dodger that's picking my parents' pockets all the time. I'm twenty years old and I'm not so stupid to think that we're completely and totally financially okay. I also know that I'm one of the biggest reasons my family hardly ever has any money... they're paying for my insurance, gas, apartment, cell phone, tuition, books, 6 prescription medications, frequent doctors visits & medical tests (in the past year I had 4 or 5 MRIs, a Discogram, CT Scan, and two Epidural Injections).
I think I freaked about this ticket today because I linked all of the things together quickly in my head. I thought, 'If I continue on my way to buy groceries, I won't have enough money to pay for this ticket, and then my parents will have to pay it, but then I won't be able to eat, but I can't ask them to pay this ticket, how am I gonna live!' It's crazy how I ultimately link not being able to go grocery shopping to starving to death... but that's where I wound up & I ultimately didn't buy groceries today. I went home and went to bed, trying to forget 'my horrible day' which definitely could've been much worse. I think by the time I wound up in my bed, my crying was no longer really about my ticket but more so about the compilation of things I'm upset about in life right now that I just haven't been able to deal with.
My mom called me after my nap and told me not to worry about my ticket & that she would give me some money so that I could pay the ticket & also get groceries... I still don't know how I feel about it but for now I don't have any other option than to accept her money. And no I don't want to sell myself!

Truth or Dare

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like being as gay as you possibly can be? Today didn't start off that way, but after making a Truth or Dare video in which one of the dares was to dress opposite from your normal stereotype, I just felt moved to do all things gay! I looked extremely lesbian in every sense of the word. After my gayed out Truth or Dare video, I danced around the house to hip hop and when that was done with I sat down & turned my TV to Logo. Normally I get made fun of for fitting different stereotypes but today (after being home for almost a month & being perfectly straight for weeks) I just felt like expressing the queer side of me. There's nothing wrong with this bisexual lady wanting to express her gay side for just one day. I agree I might've gone over the top. After a few hours of Logo I put my hat on (backwards, of course) and headed out to Panera Bread to pick up the ultimate in vegetarian sandwiches. I had forgotten how small of a town my hometown still was. When I walked into Panera everyone immediately stared at me. Ordering something vegetarian definitely didn't help my cause, haha! On my way home a Lady Gaga song came on the radio & I danced in the only way a Lesbian (for a day) would dance- crazy as hell! It was a lot of fun playing out all of these stereotypes and I agree a lot of lesbians/bisexual women do fit some of them sometimes but most of us don't fit them all of the time. I like to listen to Tegan and Sara- sometimes. I like to dress in baggy clothes- sometimes. I hook my keys to my belt- sometimes. I wear my hat backwards- sometimes. I dance badly- sometimes. I mean someone probably fits one of the hundreds of stereotypes but I'm sure there's someone in the world who likes Creed too.

My super lesbian day was a lot of fun but that's sooo not who I am & definitely not who I want to be. I likes me some men! I ended my day by watching Miles Austin's fine ass make a touch down for The Dallas Cowboys! Watching the game was the cherry on top of my gay day haha.

Ever Been This Bored?

I feel like I'm about to go insane sitting at home doing nothing these days. I'm so ready for school to start & give me something to do with my time & have a little more human interaction.

Moving On Is a Process

Though, in my previous post I said that the new year doesn't necessarily come with new beginnings, I did two things as this new year began that have begun to liberate me. I deleted my ex's number from my phone & I deleted him off my facebook. Now this isn't to say that I plan on cutting him out of my life completely. However, it puts me in a place where I can only talk to him and find out what's going on in his life if he talks to me first. In this, I'm letting him have a fair chance at falling in love with someone else. And allowing myself to maybe move on as well. With me not being able to constantly text him/im him, he'll have more room to let someone else in... and this time maybe he'll be able to let them completely into his heart & not push them away because he's still hung up on me. I still love him and would love for him to wind up with me but at this point I don't think that's where he wants to wind up & I need to stop thinking that that's where it's all heading. So... this is my first step in really really trying to just be friends with him. In order to do that, right now, I can be there for him when he needs/wants to talk but that's about it.

New Year- Old Shit

People look at the new year as if it's this huge blank slate. Like somehow we're all getting a new lease on life. However, I see it as this... my best friend is still six feet under and I still have all the problems I had yesterday. Maybe we all make such a big deal out of the new year because the thought of dealing with the fact that nothing in life ever really just goes away is too difficult for our fragile souls to deal with. The truth of it is that the shit will continue to pile on, & there is nothing we can do to stop it or to make it go away.

But the light in all of this is that things like good friends, spontaneity, warm cookies, a good chick flick, etc... can all make our shit smell a little better & sometimes even make it smell so good that we forget what we've got hidden in the dark corners of our minds.