2011 is for Ice Skating

It's turning out to be a super cool year so far!

Grey's Anatomy & Ignorance

There's a Reason For It All

While walking home from class last week, ridden with anxiety & just trying to get out of my head space, I came across the homeless man I'd encountered a couple of times in the past few weeks. His blankets had fallen on the ground behind his wheel chair so I stopped to pick them up and say a quick hello. This “quick hello” turned into so much more than I ever could have expected.

We chatted about my classes, the weather, Nam, just life in general... as I stood there talking it seemed as if the conversation was beginning to go on forever. Although I’m sure it was all in my head I felt as though I was trapped and there was no way out. This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy talking to the man, I was just ridden with so much anxiety that day and just wanted to go home to my bed, where I felt safe. Finally, I found a way out and as I turned to leave he notice my jacket. Across my chest was the word LOVE. I had forgotten all about it. I've had the jacket for so long that I hardly even take notice of it anymore but as soon as he brought it up I remembered the organization that was so close to my heart. I explained to him that To Write Love On Her Arms was an organization raising awareness about depression and offering help for those who are suicidal. He then began to tell me his story... his amazing story of how he tried but thankfully failed to commit suicide!

On his first attempt he put a gun into his mouth, tried to pull the trigger, and nothing happened. As a result of inspecting the gun he realized the safety just so happened to be on. This problem was easily solvable so he switched the safety to its off position and as he was about to try again he heard his wife walk in the door. Not wanting his wife to see him shooting a bullet through his head, he put the gun away determined to try again later. Fortunately, his family got into some financial problems and he had to sell his gun to feed his family. Still depressed and life still playing out a rough hand, he bought a shot gun right before the uncertainty of the new millennium. Not being able to handle the unknown, he put the shot gun to his chest and pulled the trigger… misfire! At this point he put the shotgun down, and decided he would give up on this idea of killing himself. He knew God must want him here for some reason. He didn’t know what that reason was but he knew God must have a big plan for him.

After hearing this story, my anxiety subsided (at least for a little while). God has a reason and plan for everything. I’ve always known that but I never really got it until that moment. Maybe God’s reason for keeping this man alive was to bring him into my life and inspire some shred of hope back into my soul.

I Feel It In My Bones

What is lying, really?
When I change the pronoun "she" to "them" or "they" when talking about a situation with a girl to friends... is that a lie? When I tell co-workers I spent the previous night singing karaoke at a local bar but leave out the gay bar detail... is that a lie? I mean really what does constitute a lie, because if this whole lying by omission idea has a solid foundation, I've buried myself deep. My whole life has literally become one lie after another, & I've become scarily good at skirting my way around the truth; you know never technically telling a lie.
In this I literally have created two different worlds for myself, the one in which my bisexual self lives, and alternately, the one in which my straight self exists. For a while these worlds existed completed separately & in perfect harmony. Recently however, my two worlds have begun to collide & I'm beginning to have trouble living in the middle of what has become this kind of Venn diagram type of life.
The lying, if that's what we call it, has frequently become a daily task. Living in this way is painful and a chore. Many of these people that only know half of my truth have actually turned out to be some of the most important people in my life. Truly this is the reason it is all so painful. I want more than anything for these people to really be able to know me. It feels wrong to keep holding back a part of my life that defines so much of who I've become over the past few years. However, with all of my deceiving I'm not sure any of these people are ready to actually hear the truth. It's not even something I'm sure how to say.
Until I do something, though, I'll have this feeling gnawing at bones, telling me that something isn't right within my life. Though I know I haven't directly lied to anyone, I've deceived many, and I'm sure it's time to make that right.

Apparently People Don't Like Being Stared At

I think perhaps I can say now that dating men is just not for me. I tried it and I'm over it. Granted I did only date two guys this summer and they both wound up being a tad bit on the weird side. This isn't to say that I'm not still attracted to men because believe me I'm all about that and a bag of chips; I'm just no longer interested in dating just to experience more of what the male sex has to offer. Perhaps one day a man will charm me with his wits and some obscene knowledge of an interesting topic and sweep me off my feet. However right now it seems other things have sparked my interest.
As of late a certain oh so obvious lesbian at my work has my attention. It's apparently something that she's beginning to notice, which was definitely not my intent. I just wanted to stare at her a bit and you know not completely out myself to the Christian organization I work for, but apparently if you stare at someone enough they begin to notice after a while. As I was clocking out last week, I did my usual stare down on my way out of the office and got a nice little stare back with a smile that almost said something like, "this is weird please stop".
Today didn't make the situation any better. As I walked into work and began to smile at her and her coworkers trying to make it less awkward, she immediately took out her phone and pretended to text. I don't know what's going on there but that encounter in the morning didn't make the one in the afternoon any less uncomfortable. As I was heading out in the afternoon I decided to head to the women's locker room to go to the bath room and as I entered the door she was heading out of the locker room. We nearly collided directly into one another. When we each realized who the other was it was like two magnets repelling each other. It basically turned into a holy shit moment; like if we touched each other all hell was going to break loose and we both would get fired for some dumb reason that would essentially amount to this Christian organization not wanting gay people working with kids.
If only the world wasn't so stupid and we could all just be honest with every one all the time...

Simple Like God

After months of feeling disconnected from the world & God in an impeccable way, I decided to venture upon this world wide web of ours & try & dig my heels into a hard core devotional book. Finding a book that could really pull me back into a life of living rather than one of sad mediocrity was a little bit harder than I hoped for. I also wasn't so into opening up a book everyday just to have it scream at me for the entirety of the pages. Needless to say my search for this life changing literature took me quite a while to find. Finally I came across Blue Like Jazz...
I was almost reluctant to purchase the book because of the fad like presence that seemed to precede it. I can remember a few years ago when almost every person I knew was reading this book.... kind of like Harry Potter or Twilight. Nevertheless it really came out to be one of my only options & I figured sometimes there's a reason for a fad.
Now that I am well into the book I realize that that is definitely the case. The way that Miller presents his ideas about God feels like I'm just talking to a friend & I love that! It's helping me to find a more simple & level plain as far as understanding everything that has to do with my relationship with God. I'm also beginning to appreciate my world and everything in it a little more each day... That is a gift that I think anyone can relate to and hone in on, definitely making it a worthwhile reading.

Words Flow Out On Paper

Lately I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. I've realized that because of different stupid reasons I've pushed some of the most important people in my life away.
Trying to prove a point, I've blocked one of my best friends out. But now it's been 8 months & I think she gets the point. I'm angry!... I'm really angry. She's taken everything that's happened with my best friend's death and turned it around to make her out to be the good guy. She's tried to act as if she was there for him and as if she honestly understands what I'm going through. In no way could she be considered the good guy nor does she have any clue what I'm going through in this situation, but I think it's time to try and forgive her; I've proven my point. You know, I've realized that even though she annoys me sometimes I really do need her in my life. It's not okay for me to just cut people out of my life as soon as a problem arises between the two of us.
There are definitely certain people that you just need in your life to keep you, you. During those times when you lose touch with yourself and even the world, one conversation with friends such as these can help you find your inner self once again. We all have those friends. I just so happen to have lost touch with them because I thought I didn't need them anymore. When I came to college I found new "friends" that were really more acquaintances so when I hit rock bottom none of them wanted to be around for that. Thus that left me here, and I can't figure out who this person is that I've become. My "lost me, found me" friends used to be Deanna, Chad, Hana, Ashley, Lacey, & Vincent... I'm not really sure who they are now. I guess that's why I just feel as if I've been lost in who I really am as of late.

I Can't Just Sit Around Forever

I kind of have to pee right now, haha. I'm too busy being awkward in Starbucks to get up and do anything about it though. Basically I've been doing nothing with my life for the past few days, sitting on the couch eating snack cakes and watching tv. I think I do deserve a little credit for at least trying to move my party of nothing to the pool yesterday but when I got there it was closed haha. Hopefully this weekend with my oldest brother's birthday I can find some initiative to do something outside of my job besides sleep and eat. There's a beautiful, wondrous world out there to explore! I can't just sit around my whole summer and do nothing but work, eat, & sleep. That's just insanely boring and no way to live. I may not have very much money to spend, nor very many friends here anymore but I definitely can find at least something to do with my time!

Dreams Are Just Small Reminders

I think I'm beginning to realize that my weird dreams are just small reminders that things aren't really okay without Vincent on this earth. Over the past month or so my world has seemed to turn around in a way I can't even explain. It's one of those things where you look outside & all of a sudden you can see the beauty in God's creation again. I all of a sudden was thankful for everyday & every type of weather (not to say that I wasn't thankful for things before but this was different). It was the first time since Vincent's death that I truly felt blessed and truly saw how gorgeous my life really is. Everyday I would walk to the bus and have a dance in my heart, thankful for the blessings God has provided me with. As of late, though, I've felt that dance slipping away from me. The more I question whether I'm living my life in a Godly manner, the more I miss having someone to talk to about issues such as this... I have missed having an objective friend that can just listen and offer helpful advice not motivated by religious or sexual preferences. Because of this my nights have been filled with little to no sleep lately. The little sleep I have been getting has been ridden with strange dreams that constantly remind me how lost I am without my best friend in this world. When one experiences dreams such as this & begins to think & overthink everything, it's hard to know what exactly you can trust as being reality. I've recently started falling hard for a girl I barely know, and it's hard to know if these feelings even come from some place genuine. It's incredibly possible that they just derive from the desire to feel a closeness with someone right now.

I Died & Rose Again

So Easter Sunday was last week and which marked the end of lent. It was probably the most interesting Easter weekend I've had in my whole life not to mention one of the most interesting endings to lent (I gave up caffeine). On Good Friday I went through an experience that was like dying. I found myself in the park by what used to be my best friend's house late that night; curled up inside a slide on the playground there, I was all but completely broken. When I finally did get the motivation to leave the park it was for the satisfaction of a few drinks so that I could forget why I had come to that park. In a few hours, needless to say, I was hammered. I was finally able to kill that piece of me.

The next day, Saturday, my friend invited me to come along with her to visit my best friend's mom. It was such an amazing experience! I felt like I was then burying that piece that I had killed the day before. As the day went on I got to know her more and more and as we reminisced about my lost friend, her son, I was beginning to feel something for the first time in months. There were other amazing things that happened that day but that was the best of them.

Early Easter morning as I sat in Easter Sunday service the words of the pastor struck a special chord with my heart. I felt as if I had risen from the dead that day along with Christ Jesus! I had a miraculous weekend... I honestly I feel I haven't really been living for six months now and I finally died on Good Friday. I think that weekend was to show me that even though my best friend is gone that my life can truly go on for me as well as for others. To see how well his mother was doing really helped me in that.

... All theology aside, I delved too deep into caffeine last week which resulted in this...

Sick Ice Cream

I'm sick today and my boss wasn't so happy about me calling in sick. I was so upset that I couldn't go teach my class today. I love those kids! They are definitely the most amazing kids in the world! I suppose last night's late night ice cream could have something to do with me being sick. It could just have been the little bit I needed to push me over the edge from healthy to unwell. But I can't say that if I knew it was going to make me sick that I still wouldn't have gone to get it. I'm having a somewhat horrible week and I NEEDED that ice cream to keep me from a mental breakdown.

My Best Friend Is Gone

What is it about certain songs, certain pictures, or even cars, television shows, billboard signs, etc. that can just flood your heart with emotions? I don't understand why I can look directly at a picture of someone or even talk directly to them and not feel anything, but when I hear a certain song or even someone else says just the right thing, I can feel myself fill up with an incomprehensible amount of emotions. Is it just that we get so used to looking at something that it stops stirring up our insides so the things that actually do surprise us? Or have we all just tried to become numb to the continuous pain that keeps attacking our lives. At some point I guess the anesthesia has to wear off and that's when those sneak attacks from songs & pictures & cars arise. I'm not really sure which of the two it is... maybe it's a little bit of both. I sit and I look at a picture of him that's on my wall every night before I go to bed. It stopped stirring anything up inside me months ago. I think about him every day and I miss him immensely, but I can't remember the last time I cried about him not being here. It's not because I don't want to; it's more so because I just haven't been able to lately. So maybe I have gotten used to my surroundings, but I think I've managed to numb some part of myself as well.
Whatever the case may be, healing is a process and, in this particular case, a very long process.

It's Just The Tiniest Thing

I don't know what's been up with me lately. The tiniest thing has been able to set me off. It might just be the combination of all the goings on in life have started to become too much for me to handle. Today I got a ticket & freaked the hell out about it. I think it was mostly because I know my insurance is already going to be raised because I got into an accident and now it will be raised even more because of this ticket.
Got into an accident and barely scratched this lady's truck & she felt the need to report it to the police who then decided that he needed to give me a ticket... me, the person who had my license & current insurance (which she did not have & did not get a ticket). My parents couldn't understand why I was freaking out so much which I guess I shouldn't have been hyperventilating and all, hah. But I don't get paid til the middle of next month and I'm tired of being The Artful Dodger that's picking my parents' pockets all the time. I'm twenty years old and I'm not so stupid to think that we're completely and totally financially okay. I also know that I'm one of the biggest reasons my family hardly ever has any money... they're paying for my insurance, gas, apartment, cell phone, tuition, books, 6 prescription medications, frequent doctors visits & medical tests (in the past year I had 4 or 5 MRIs, a Discogram, CT Scan, and two Epidural Injections).
I think I freaked about this ticket today because I linked all of the things together quickly in my head. I thought, 'If I continue on my way to buy groceries, I won't have enough money to pay for this ticket, and then my parents will have to pay it, but then I won't be able to eat, but I can't ask them to pay this ticket, how am I gonna live!' It's crazy how I ultimately link not being able to go grocery shopping to starving to death... but that's where I wound up & I ultimately didn't buy groceries today. I went home and went to bed, trying to forget 'my horrible day' which definitely could've been much worse. I think by the time I wound up in my bed, my crying was no longer really about my ticket but more so about the compilation of things I'm upset about in life right now that I just haven't been able to deal with.
My mom called me after my nap and told me not to worry about my ticket & that she would give me some money so that I could pay the ticket & also get groceries... I still don't know how I feel about it but for now I don't have any other option than to accept her money. And no I don't want to sell myself!

New Year- Old Shit

People look at the new year as if it's this huge blank slate. Like somehow we're all getting a new lease on life. However, I see it as this... my best friend is still six feet under and I still have all the problems I had yesterday. Maybe we all make such a big deal out of the new year because the thought of dealing with the fact that nothing in life ever really just goes away is too difficult for our fragile souls to deal with. The truth of it is that the shit will continue to pile on, & there is nothing we can do to stop it or to make it go away.

But the light in all of this is that things like good friends, spontaneity, warm cookies, a good chick flick, etc... can all make our shit smell a little better & sometimes even make it smell so good that we forget what we've got hidden in the dark corners of our minds.

I Know, I Think I Know

"Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."- Lois McMaster Bujold

I didn't want to use this blog to necessarily talk about personal aspects of my life, but I think just this once it might be okay for me to take the time to try and answer some of my friends questions. "If you're in love with him and he's in love with you too, why aren't you together?" When a friend asked me this question last week, I tried to give a suitable answer, but I was trying to give a quick answer. The simple answer. Really there's not a simple answer to that question. The complexities to what seem like simple enough aspects of life overwhelm me at times.

Why are my ex boyfriend & I not back together? I can only tell you what I know & what I think I know. As far as what I know... he told me that though he's still in love with me & feels as if he might never get over me, he's moved on to a different part of his life and that though I am still a part of it, I'm not a part of it in that way & if we were to get back together he feels like it might be set him back. We've both changed so much in this past year and I honestly think that he feels we'd revert back into the old versions of ourselves if we got back together.

I know that I broke his heart. I know that for months he thought I betrayed him in more than one way. I was doing what was best for the both of us though he didn't see at the time. What I know is that it's hard to let someone else back into your life after they've caused you so much pain. You don't know that they won't hurt you again.

What I think I know is that he misses being with me but is scared to try it out again for fear it won't work. Frankly, I'm scared of the same thing. Thus, I don't really know how I feel about this whole situation. I think I know that he doesn't want to do the long distance thing again, also. It's a lot of work & we're young people who don't need that much stress in our lives. Though, for him, I wouldn't mind it. I think I know in my heart of hearts that he's the only heterosexual relationship I'll ever have that actually works... at this point I'm thinking maybe homosexual relationships won't work out either and honestly, I'm okay with that. The good times with my ex boyfriend overshadow all of the bad times that came with that relationship.

If things don't work out now... some day our lives will settle down and we'll cross paths again, I think know that; I at least like to hope for that.

My Dreams Have No Barriers

I've decided I'm going to try to start writing on here on a more regular basis... What should I write about today? I need inspiration. I love this classical music I'm listening to on my J.S. Bach station, but it's just not very inspirational. Perhaps I'll switch to a different station (maybe even one that has words on it). Ah, that's better! Let's blog!

"I often miss this little girl… whose dreams had no barriers… who believed in a world where anything is possible; with a heart that was full and unbroken." I found this quote on post secret quite a while ago & it seems I go back & look at it at least once a week. I relate to it as if I'd even said it myself (which of course I didn't). Since I was a little kid I can always remember my parents telling me I could do anything I wanted to do; I never had a practical dream. I wanted to be an artist, then an author, a singer, a beluga whale trainer, and early in high school I decided I wanted to be a dancer. But before I could even start to get my dream off the ground, the realization that becoming a dancer wasn't a practical plan for my future changed all of my plans towards the end of high school.

I think that's one of the biggest part of growing up. You get to the point where you stop dreaming and start to think about what's practical. I guess I've gotten half way there. I took a step back after I didn't make the dance program at my college & decided that I should try a more practical route. Dance therapy would allow me to still be a part of the dance world while being able to have a rooted job. However, I've gotten to the point that I'm starting to think that that's not even a practical enough route to take anymore. In this economy who's going to spend money on a dance therapist? Plus, after because of this back surgery I don't know if I'll ever be able to dance again.

The pressure from my parents and everyone around me tells me I should change my plans completely and opt for a job with more stability and a bigger market. I've often thought about it, but then I look back at that little girl who dreamed about having the world. The girl that thought nothing else mattered as long as she was doing what she was passionate about. The little girl that thought nothing could touch her. I need to fulfill at least this part of my dream to keep that little girl from screaming at me, "What are you doing!? Why did you quit!? You should never give up your dreams!"

It kills me to think about all the talented people I know that are opting out for the safe route. I can't be that person too. No one should ever give up their dreams until they know that they will fail at them... and you know maybe you shouldn't even give up on them then. Our parents tell us we can do anything we want; they never really believe that we could, though. So, I'm not giving up on this dream! Others I will someday be able to let go. I must let them go in order to be able to pursue this dream.

For now I'll just let this little girl remind me where I'm heading. I'm heading to a wide open world with endless possibilities. Anything could happen for me at this point & I'm loving it!

It's Sucking the Money Out of My Pockets

So, since when did all the books at Barnes & Noble become fifteen dollars or more? I'm pretty sure just last year I bought a novel for around seven or eight dollars. Then again, everything seems to be more expensive these days. A movie ticket is nine dollars at my local movie theater, the icecream I bought tonight was nearly four dollars, and you can't buy a decent meal out without spending at least ten dollars.
I mean it's logical to think, 'Well, of course over your life things are going to become more expensive.' But hey guys! All of these things just happened within the past year! This crappy economy is sucking the money right out of my pockets. No one is buying stuff because they don't have the money to do so & then the government thinks it's a good idea to raise minimum wage in the middle of this economic crisis so that businesses have to raise their prices even more & then people can go ahead & not buy stuff even more. It's all just awesome!
All that said, there's still stuff that you have to buy... like, gas, groceries, etc. So, of course, I'm still gonna buy the five dollar cereal and the four dollar milk cuz you know a sister has to survive (and yes, of course I'm exaggerating about my milk & cereal being that expensive but it seriously is getting there). I don't really have a choice in the matter of buying food just what kind of food I buy. Things like that suck. It means that this year I'm not gonna get to have as much fun times at school... lol, especially since my Sugah Momma isn't around anymore to pay for those fun times.
Yeah, I've gotta start paying for myself this year and that should be interesting... I'll definitely need a job. Where should I apply? Most people make fun of me cuz I'm so short & tell me to apply at the little kids stores because I could fit into the clothes & I'd be on the customer's level. Honestly, I like hanging out with little kids so I just might do that. But, where else?

Everything Is Coming Together

As of the past two days everything in my life seems like it's coming together... My girlfriend broke up with me & I finally had a sit down talk with my ex boyfriend. Haha, most people would think that being broken up with & talking about your issues with your ex wouldn't exactly be an occasion to smile about, but before all this I was conflicted; I didn't know white from black. I was weighed down with guilt, secrecy, & heartache. I felt guilty because I was in a relationship with someone that I knew I could never love. Everywhere I went I had to be cautious to make sure my ex didn't find out about my queerness before I had the chance to tell him. And much worse was the heartache I was experiencing from losing two of my best friends.
I hadn't talked to my ex boyfriend, in person, in over 8 months when we met up the other night. Psh, I hadn't talked to my ex girlfriend in over a month when she finally got the balls to break up with me yesterday morning. So, you can understand why I thought I'd already lost both of those friendships.
So, I talked to my ex boyfriend the other night... I was so nervous. Not just because I hadn't seen him in 8 months but because since the last time I'd seen him he'd changed a lot & needless to say, I'd changed A LOT. We were meeting up so we could lay everything out on the table, in hopes that the both of us could find some closure or at least come to a point where we could be friends again. I, on the other hand, was a little bit more terrified about this meeting than he was, I'm pretty sure. I mean, the most terrifying thing in the world is coming out to someone you have so much history with & are still in love with.
Even though I was shaking & my heart was pounding, for the first time I can remember, coming out to someone was crazy simple & super easy. I straight up told him that when I got to college, last August, I realized that I was interested in more women than just the one girl in high school he already knew about. Like I said, we have a lot of history, so it was easy to just lay it out there like that. What was more amazing was where our conversation led from there. It was the first time that I truly felt that someone completely understood my sexuality. I can't label myself as a lesbian, bisexual, or straight because I don't feel like I fit into any of those categories. I just feel like I fall in love with people for their personas only and really I've come to the place where I know that God is okay with that.
Everything in my life is coming together, again. After my talk with my ex boyfriend, I feel like I'm beginning to regain my best friend. And after hearing my ex even say that he thinks that God is okay with my sexuality, I think I'm starting to get to that place as well.
Oh yeah, and my ex girlfriend... we both agreed that the relationship should end. She was really relieved & we just had a nice friendly talk after that. Caught up on life over the past month. I was happy to hear that she wanted to break up with me cuz well, we run in the same circle of friends and that just would've been awkward.
So, yeah, all my problems just seem to be drifting away & it's great. Life's coming together nicely!