I'm not something to take home to your mother... nor am I something to take home to your father. However, isn't life about pursuing what makes you happy and not what's going to make your parents or other people in your life happy? With everything that has happened in my life, losing my grandmother, a good friend, someone who was like a brother, & also losing a best friend, I've learned that life's too short to live for anyone other than yourself. In the words of Gavin Degraw, "I don't want to be anything other than me!" And when you live only to satisfy the wants of other people you just can't be happy. Maybe for a while you're happy because for once you've found their approval but when you realize that what you're doing isn't being done for you but for them, then that happiness will quickly fade. If you always have to put up a front to seek your parent's approval, are they truly approving of the person you've become? If you even have to put up a front to the person you're dating (the person that your parents approve of) is it really real? I mean is anything real if they don't know the true version of you? It doesn't make sense to me to choose to date someone based on the fact that your parents approve of them because honestly what has always mattered most to me is how I feel about them. You're definitely not something I can take home to my mother either... but that never really mattered to me because I live for no one but myself!
Showing posts with label exes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exes. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Little Things You Do To Me
At first I was scared cuz I didn't know what I was getting myself into but now I just don't care because my heart has been smiling since I left you... Maybe Vincent was right about us because it's all becoming something I can really believe in too. And I don't even care about all the complicated details of my life right now; I just know that when I think about your beautiful face I can't wipe the goofy grin off of mine. For me, being happy in my day to day life is all that matters. Why worry about what might happen four months down the road? A lot can change in that amount of time & those details in my life might not be so complicated anymore.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I'm Tired of Talking About Gay People!
It's been a while since I've written on here & really there's a number of reasons for that. Life's been really rough lately but the purpose for this update isn't to talk about how crappy life's been, because I don't know if I'm ready to put that in writing yet. I don't want to feel the permanence of this situation just yet. When I write something down it becomes real, it becomes permanent & I have to fully face the situation. I don't want to do that yet.
Anywho... let's get to the point. Basically most of my classes are related to each other this semester in the fact that Human Sexuality talks about the history of sexuality & where some of our morals that have to do with sexuality come from & tradition & such. Then my Dance Appreciation class talks about the history of dance and the traditions & religions in which it originated. Then I have my Philosophy class which talks about past, present, & future of mankind & the way we think about everything. So all of these classes are pretty interconnected.
Well, this past week in my Human Sexuality class we had a guest speaker come & talk to the class about hate speech. It was a really interesting way of presenting the idea that words like "faggot" or "fruit" should be thought just as offensive as words like "nigger" or "spic". It seemed to be a really effective discussion from the reactions of my classmates. However, when the guest speaker opened it up for questioning, my Human Sexuality class turned into an all out religious debate. Now, I'm a Christian but these people were just saying hateful things & telling this man that basically all gay people were going to Hell & that he could become a Christian if he wanted to. I listened to the "questioning" for a little while but as soon as someone asked, "Do you think gay people can be Christians?" I checked out & wanted to know when it was that I had signed up for a moral problems class.
If that had been the only time I had to talk about the subject of homosexuality I would've still been sick of talking about it, but the next day I opened up my text book to read for my Philosophy class & hey look we have a reading about Homosexuality. Then later that week I get an e-mail from my grandmother that talks about it again (something about some guy wanting to make schools pro-homosexual... who knows my grandmama is super right-wing conservative so the guy probably just wanted to educate children so they wouldn't be so homophobic).
Lol, but today was the fizz oozing popping open my bottle, saying this is enough. In my Philosophy class when we were talking about a topic that wasn't even related to homosexuals we managed to bring back in a gay topic. We were talking about how when you are making a decision in the public sphere, according to this one philosopher, you should leave all your beliefs about politics, religion, etc. in the private sphere & it should not affect the choice you make. My teacher was trying to illustrate how hard it is to create an argument without using any elements from the private sphere to base that argument upon. So she asked the class, "What's a controversial topic today?" Someone said health care, death penalty, abortion, etc. No one said anything about gay people! And all of a sudden my teacher is like, "What about gay marriage?" WTF? Where did that even come from? Just randomly pulled that one out of her ass. While we talked about what we could use to argue gay marriage for the rest of the class, I texted my ex girlfriend about how it was really odd how many times I'd talked about homosexual issues in the past week.
As the class ended I stood up & said a little louder than intended, "Gosh, I'm so tired of talking about gay people!" Everyone in the class just kind of stared at me with this evil glares like I was the most horrible person in the world. I mean you've got to understand I definitely don't look like the queerest person in the world. To most people in that class at that moment I looked like a homophobic ass face. So I immediately followed myself up with, "I say as I get off the phone with my ex girlfriend!!!" By the time I did my follow up I don't think people were listening to me anymore, though.
Though I should be more careful what I say and how loud I say it, I am tired of talking about gay people. I know what the issues are. I live them day in & day out. Talking about them every other day only reminds me how sucky things are. Oh & let's not mention the fact that when people talk about all this stuff they never once mention anyone besides gay men & lesbian women... apparently those are the only people that are discriminated against. Wrong! Bisexual men & women are discriminated against even within the gay community. Let's not even open up the topic of how much trans people are discriminated against. I hate how little understanding most people have of the situation, even people who claim to be authorities on it.
Anywho... let's get to the point. Basically most of my classes are related to each other this semester in the fact that Human Sexuality talks about the history of sexuality & where some of our morals that have to do with sexuality come from & tradition & such. Then my Dance Appreciation class talks about the history of dance and the traditions & religions in which it originated. Then I have my Philosophy class which talks about past, present, & future of mankind & the way we think about everything. So all of these classes are pretty interconnected.
Well, this past week in my Human Sexuality class we had a guest speaker come & talk to the class about hate speech. It was a really interesting way of presenting the idea that words like "faggot" or "fruit" should be thought just as offensive as words like "nigger" or "spic". It seemed to be a really effective discussion from the reactions of my classmates. However, when the guest speaker opened it up for questioning, my Human Sexuality class turned into an all out religious debate. Now, I'm a Christian but these people were just saying hateful things & telling this man that basically all gay people were going to Hell & that he could become a Christian if he wanted to. I listened to the "questioning" for a little while but as soon as someone asked, "Do you think gay people can be Christians?" I checked out & wanted to know when it was that I had signed up for a moral problems class.
If that had been the only time I had to talk about the subject of homosexuality I would've still been sick of talking about it, but the next day I opened up my text book to read for my Philosophy class & hey look we have a reading about Homosexuality. Then later that week I get an e-mail from my grandmother that talks about it again (something about some guy wanting to make schools pro-homosexual... who knows my grandmama is super right-wing conservative so the guy probably just wanted to educate children so they wouldn't be so homophobic).
Lol, but today was the fizz oozing popping open my bottle, saying this is enough. In my Philosophy class when we were talking about a topic that wasn't even related to homosexuals we managed to bring back in a gay topic. We were talking about how when you are making a decision in the public sphere, according to this one philosopher, you should leave all your beliefs about politics, religion, etc. in the private sphere & it should not affect the choice you make. My teacher was trying to illustrate how hard it is to create an argument without using any elements from the private sphere to base that argument upon. So she asked the class, "What's a controversial topic today?" Someone said health care, death penalty, abortion, etc. No one said anything about gay people! And all of a sudden my teacher is like, "What about gay marriage?" WTF? Where did that even come from? Just randomly pulled that one out of her ass. While we talked about what we could use to argue gay marriage for the rest of the class, I texted my ex girlfriend about how it was really odd how many times I'd talked about homosexual issues in the past week.
As the class ended I stood up & said a little louder than intended, "Gosh, I'm so tired of talking about gay people!" Everyone in the class just kind of stared at me with this evil glares like I was the most horrible person in the world. I mean you've got to understand I definitely don't look like the queerest person in the world. To most people in that class at that moment I looked like a homophobic ass face. So I immediately followed myself up with, "I say as I get off the phone with my ex girlfriend!!!" By the time I did my follow up I don't think people were listening to me anymore, though.
Though I should be more careful what I say and how loud I say it, I am tired of talking about gay people. I know what the issues are. I live them day in & day out. Talking about them every other day only reminds me how sucky things are. Oh & let's not mention the fact that when people talk about all this stuff they never once mention anyone besides gay men & lesbian women... apparently those are the only people that are discriminated against. Wrong! Bisexual men & women are discriminated against even within the gay community. Let's not even open up the topic of how much trans people are discriminated against. I hate how little understanding most people have of the situation, even people who claim to be authorities on it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I Know, I Think I Know
"Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."- Lois McMaster Bujold
I didn't want to use this blog to necessarily talk about personal aspects of my life, but I think just this once it might be okay for me to take the time to try and answer some of my friends questions. "If you're in love with him and he's in love with you too, why aren't you together?" When a friend asked me this question last week, I tried to give a suitable answer, but I was trying to give a quick answer. The simple answer. Really there's not a simple answer to that question. The complexities to what seem like simple enough aspects of life overwhelm me at times.
Why are my ex boyfriend & I not back together? I can only tell you what I know & what I think I know. As far as what I know... he told me that though he's still in love with me & feels as if he might never get over me, he's moved on to a different part of his life and that though I am still a part of it, I'm not a part of it in that way & if we were to get back together he feels like it might be set him back. We've both changed so much in this past year and I honestly think that he feels we'd revert back into the old versions of ourselves if we got back together.
I know that I broke his heart. I know that for months he thought I betrayed him in more than one way. I was doing what was best for the both of us though he didn't see at the time. What I know is that it's hard to let someone else back into your life after they've caused you so much pain. You don't know that they won't hurt you again.
What I think I know is that he misses being with me but is scared to try it out again for fear it won't work. Frankly, I'm scared of the same thing. Thus, I don't really know how I feel about this whole situation. I think I know that he doesn't want to do the long distance thing again, also. It's a lot of work & we're young people who don't need that much stress in our lives. Though, for him, I wouldn't mind it. I think I know in my heart of hearts that he's the only heterosexual relationship I'll ever have that actually works... at this point I'm thinking maybe homosexual relationships won't work out either and honestly, I'm okay with that. The good times with my ex boyfriend overshadow all of the bad times that came with that relationship.
If things don't work out now... some day our lives will settle down and we'll cross paths again, I think know that; I at least like to hope for that.
I didn't want to use this blog to necessarily talk about personal aspects of my life, but I think just this once it might be okay for me to take the time to try and answer some of my friends questions. "If you're in love with him and he's in love with you too, why aren't you together?" When a friend asked me this question last week, I tried to give a suitable answer, but I was trying to give a quick answer. The simple answer. Really there's not a simple answer to that question. The complexities to what seem like simple enough aspects of life overwhelm me at times.
Why are my ex boyfriend & I not back together? I can only tell you what I know & what I think I know. As far as what I know... he told me that though he's still in love with me & feels as if he might never get over me, he's moved on to a different part of his life and that though I am still a part of it, I'm not a part of it in that way & if we were to get back together he feels like it might be set him back. We've both changed so much in this past year and I honestly think that he feels we'd revert back into the old versions of ourselves if we got back together.
I know that I broke his heart. I know that for months he thought I betrayed him in more than one way. I was doing what was best for the both of us though he didn't see at the time. What I know is that it's hard to let someone else back into your life after they've caused you so much pain. You don't know that they won't hurt you again.
What I think I know is that he misses being with me but is scared to try it out again for fear it won't work. Frankly, I'm scared of the same thing. Thus, I don't really know how I feel about this whole situation. I think I know that he doesn't want to do the long distance thing again, also. It's a lot of work & we're young people who don't need that much stress in our lives. Though, for him, I wouldn't mind it. I think I know in my heart of hearts that he's the only heterosexual relationship I'll ever have that actually works... at this point I'm thinking maybe homosexual relationships won't work out either and honestly, I'm okay with that. The good times with my ex boyfriend overshadow all of the bad times that came with that relationship.
If things don't work out now... some day our lives will settle down and we'll cross paths again, I think know that; I at least like to hope for that.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Everything Is Coming Together
As of the past two days everything in my life seems like it's coming together... My girlfriend broke up with me & I finally had a sit down talk with my ex boyfriend. Haha, most people would think that being broken up with & talking about your issues with your ex wouldn't exactly be an occasion to smile about, but before all this I was conflicted; I didn't know white from black. I was weighed down with guilt, secrecy, & heartache. I felt guilty because I was in a relationship with someone that I knew I could never love. Everywhere I went I had to be cautious to make sure my ex didn't find out about my queerness before I had the chance to tell him. And much worse was the heartache I was experiencing from losing two of my best friends.
I hadn't talked to my ex boyfriend, in person, in over 8 months when we met up the other night. Psh, I hadn't talked to my ex girlfriend in over a month when she finally got the balls to break up with me yesterday morning. So, you can understand why I thought I'd already lost both of those friendships.
So, I talked to my ex boyfriend the other night... I was so nervous. Not just because I hadn't seen him in 8 months but because since the last time I'd seen him he'd changed a lot & needless to say, I'd changed A LOT. We were meeting up so we could lay everything out on the table, in hopes that the both of us could find some closure or at least come to a point where we could be friends again. I, on the other hand, was a little bit more terrified about this meeting than he was, I'm pretty sure. I mean, the most terrifying thing in the world is coming out to someone you have so much history with & are still in love with.
Even though I was shaking & my heart was pounding, for the first time I can remember, coming out to someone was crazy simple & super easy. I straight up told him that when I got to college, last August, I realized that I was interested in more women than just the one girl in high school he already knew about. Like I said, we have a lot of history, so it was easy to just lay it out there like that. What was more amazing was where our conversation led from there. It was the first time that I truly felt that someone completely understood my sexuality. I can't label myself as a lesbian, bisexual, or straight because I don't feel like I fit into any of those categories. I just feel like I fall in love with people for their personas only and really I've come to the place where I know that God is okay with that.
Everything in my life is coming together, again. After my talk with my ex boyfriend, I feel like I'm beginning to regain my best friend. And after hearing my ex even say that he thinks that God is okay with my sexuality, I think I'm starting to get to that place as well.
Oh yeah, and my ex girlfriend... we both agreed that the relationship should end. She was really relieved & we just had a nice friendly talk after that. Caught up on life over the past month. I was happy to hear that she wanted to break up with me cuz well, we run in the same circle of friends and that just would've been awkward.
So, yeah, all my problems just seem to be drifting away & it's great. Life's coming together nicely!
I hadn't talked to my ex boyfriend, in person, in over 8 months when we met up the other night. Psh, I hadn't talked to my ex girlfriend in over a month when she finally got the balls to break up with me yesterday morning. So, you can understand why I thought I'd already lost both of those friendships.
So, I talked to my ex boyfriend the other night... I was so nervous. Not just because I hadn't seen him in 8 months but because since the last time I'd seen him he'd changed a lot & needless to say, I'd changed A LOT. We were meeting up so we could lay everything out on the table, in hopes that the both of us could find some closure or at least come to a point where we could be friends again. I, on the other hand, was a little bit more terrified about this meeting than he was, I'm pretty sure. I mean, the most terrifying thing in the world is coming out to someone you have so much history with & are still in love with.
Even though I was shaking & my heart was pounding, for the first time I can remember, coming out to someone was crazy simple & super easy. I straight up told him that when I got to college, last August, I realized that I was interested in more women than just the one girl in high school he already knew about. Like I said, we have a lot of history, so it was easy to just lay it out there like that. What was more amazing was where our conversation led from there. It was the first time that I truly felt that someone completely understood my sexuality. I can't label myself as a lesbian, bisexual, or straight because I don't feel like I fit into any of those categories. I just feel like I fall in love with people for their personas only and really I've come to the place where I know that God is okay with that.
Everything in my life is coming together, again. After my talk with my ex boyfriend, I feel like I'm beginning to regain my best friend. And after hearing my ex even say that he thinks that God is okay with my sexuality, I think I'm starting to get to that place as well.
Oh yeah, and my ex girlfriend... we both agreed that the relationship should end. She was really relieved & we just had a nice friendly talk after that. Caught up on life over the past month. I was happy to hear that she wanted to break up with me cuz well, we run in the same circle of friends and that just would've been awkward.
So, yeah, all my problems just seem to be drifting away & it's great. Life's coming together nicely!
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