Interrogation

So tell me…
Are you dating any boys?

By no means!
But my heart does seem
To sing with songs of love lately.

Isn’t that a bit precarious?
No boy to sing your love song?

No boy,
But someone sings the notes
That make up my soul daily.
Though, I have a feeling
You wouldn’t care for them.

How does that work?
This singing with no boy?
And about this feeling,
How do you know I wouldn’t care for them?

This boy you speak of
Is no boy at all.
In actuality, she is the best woman I’ve ever known.
Her soul fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears.
You care least about her soul, though.
She is not a he.
And that is all that matters.



Not the best but I felt like posting it.

What Should One Think

What should one think of the love of their life? Are they that person that brings warmth to your heart when the corners of their mouth lift towards the sky and encroach upon a smile? Do they frustrate you to fiery rage, yet at the same time melt your heart like a fine powdered sugar meeting heat? Or could it possibly be as simple as they have the cutest nose in the world that you just can't get enough of? Shouldn't you at least think they are the cheese to your macaroni?
I'm not sure what kind of person the love of my life should be nor if I'll ever really know what love is once I've found it. I've found it's incredibly hard to clean up the idea of love once it's been tainted. It's not that I've lost all faith in love. I know it exists; in it's purest form love can be beautiful and intense, but in an instant it can turn into something incredibly nasty and tragic.
So perhaps it's a favor done in not even having a chance to love when women tell you they would rather attain their parent's pride than their own happiness or that they are too needy for distance in between them and their partner and when men text message with such a frequency it drives you away.
Yes, I don't know much about what I should think of the love of my life but my idea of love is so tainted it hasn't become much of a problem.

Skanky Ladies

I've just been wondering something lately... what is it about lesbians that they have to move so quickly in relationships? Or it could just be my whole entire generation that's in a huge hurry, and everyone, not just lesbians, have their relationships in fast forward. I'm starting to think I'm the only one with this crazy notion still stuck in my head; the notion that people should get to know each other before sexual advances are made, but you know there may be a few people out there that still hold some of these ideals close to their heart.

I just can't get into the whole idea of going on a first date getting to know a few monetary details about someone, then deciding to go on a second date where you hear a few more details about who that person is, find out a little bit of their past, and then discuss much of their sexual history. Once you've gotten through these first two dates and you've gotten the "getting to know you stage" out of the way, (because after two dates you obviously know so much about this person) and it's now time for the "sex date." On this date you've got a little more of a chance to get to know this person but really it's all going to end up in the bedroom in the end, so the conversation I would assume is all leaning in that direction (sex! sex! sex!) Then finally you get to the "yes! yes! yes!" part, I guess.

Call me old fashioned & I guess anti-queer culture, but I still think that sex is something special that should be reserved for two people that are madly in love with each other. It's definitely not something that should be casual & definitely not something to be experienced with someone you barely know.

Something to Take Home to Mom

I'm not something to take home to your mother... nor am I something to take home to your father. However, isn't life about pursuing what makes you happy and not what's going to make your parents or other people in your life happy? With everything that has happened in my life, losing my grandmother, a good friend, someone who was like a brother, & also losing a best friend, I've learned that life's too short to live for anyone other than yourself. In the words of Gavin Degraw, "I don't want to be anything other than me!" And when you live only to satisfy the wants of other people you just can't be happy. Maybe for a while you're happy because for once you've found their approval but when you realize that what you're doing isn't being done for you but for them, then that happiness will quickly fade. If you always have to put up a front to seek your parent's approval, are they truly approving of the person you've become? If you even have to put up a front to the person you're dating (the person that your parents approve of) is it really real? I mean is anything real if they don't know the true version of you? It doesn't make sense to me to choose to date someone based on the fact that your parents approve of them because honestly what has always mattered most to me is how I feel about them. You're definitely not something I can take home to my mother either... but that never really mattered to me because I live for no one but myself!

What Is a Friend?

How many times have I tried to create this post so far? Hundreds... At this point I'm not able to turn what I'd like to say into coherent thoughts. I can't even come out with it in an incoherent scramble of words. So, this is going to be my attempt at saying a few things about friends and about love.

What is a friend, exactly? Is it someone who's there to listen to your problems when you're down? Or is it someone who's just there to hang out with you and keep you from being lonely all the time? Maybe it's both. If it is, I feel like maybe I never really had any real friends here in Denton. Although, this definition I have for a friend has room for expansion. Someone who listens to your problems & hangs out with you is kind of a limited definition. However, like I said, I don't know how to turn my thoughts into words at this point so that's the best I can do.

And if that is what a friend is, you would think it wouldn't be so hard to just be friends with my ex, but it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There's so much history there. I want to be a good friend but sometimes it's hard to just be that friend & not freak out about some things that I know shouldn't bother me if I was just being a friend. A good friend would be happy that he's moving on; a good friend would be happy that his life is going amazingly well. However, I sometimes cannot help but be upset that he has been able to move on while I have not. It's horrible, but I am human. And I'm still in love with him. This friendship is the only piece of him I have left and honestly I'm ok with just being friends right now but I need to learn how to be a friend & not his lover.

So what exactly is a friend? My friends here aren't exactly the greatest models most of the time.

I Know, I Think I Know

"Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."- Lois McMaster Bujold

I didn't want to use this blog to necessarily talk about personal aspects of my life, but I think just this once it might be okay for me to take the time to try and answer some of my friends questions. "If you're in love with him and he's in love with you too, why aren't you together?" When a friend asked me this question last week, I tried to give a suitable answer, but I was trying to give a quick answer. The simple answer. Really there's not a simple answer to that question. The complexities to what seem like simple enough aspects of life overwhelm me at times.

Why are my ex boyfriend & I not back together? I can only tell you what I know & what I think I know. As far as what I know... he told me that though he's still in love with me & feels as if he might never get over me, he's moved on to a different part of his life and that though I am still a part of it, I'm not a part of it in that way & if we were to get back together he feels like it might be set him back. We've both changed so much in this past year and I honestly think that he feels we'd revert back into the old versions of ourselves if we got back together.

I know that I broke his heart. I know that for months he thought I betrayed him in more than one way. I was doing what was best for the both of us though he didn't see at the time. What I know is that it's hard to let someone else back into your life after they've caused you so much pain. You don't know that they won't hurt you again.

What I think I know is that he misses being with me but is scared to try it out again for fear it won't work. Frankly, I'm scared of the same thing. Thus, I don't really know how I feel about this whole situation. I think I know that he doesn't want to do the long distance thing again, also. It's a lot of work & we're young people who don't need that much stress in our lives. Though, for him, I wouldn't mind it. I think I know in my heart of hearts that he's the only heterosexual relationship I'll ever have that actually works... at this point I'm thinking maybe homosexual relationships won't work out either and honestly, I'm okay with that. The good times with my ex boyfriend overshadow all of the bad times that came with that relationship.

If things don't work out now... some day our lives will settle down and we'll cross paths again, I think know that; I at least like to hope for that.

What Is It About I Love You?

So, what exactly is it about saying I love you that moves a person to tears or more often terrifies one to death? It's just three words. Standing alone each word doesn't seem to shake us at all. Obviously "I" and "you" have little effect on any person. The word "love", however, you would think, would mean a little more to people. It really doesn't seem that way, though. I even call many of my friends by the pet name "love" and none of them bat an eye lash when the word is spoken. Without a doubt, there's only power in those three words when spoken together, in sequence I... love... you.
It's an extreme type of power that these words seem to hold, and frankly, it doesn't make sense to me. We freak out about saying them to a person for weeks, often months, building up this huge scenario in our minds about how it's going to be when we do actually say I love you, & then when we do, it's just disappointing. Either the other person actually does love you too and just says, "Oh I love you too," or they don't feel the same way and they say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Why do we torture ourselves? We wait for the perfect moment to say these three words for months and months. Why not just get the moment over with? It doesn't matter if the moment is right or not! Okay, well to a degree it matters, but the moment doesn't have to be absolutely perfect.
Think about a world where everyone just told people when they fell in love with each other. How much heartache would that save us? A lot! I mean yeah, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you thought it would, but it gives you closure so that you can move on. There would be a lot less "what if" scenarios... you would know how that other person felt about you and be able to get on with your damn life!
I'm just sayin, life would be easier...

Everything Is Coming Together

As of the past two days everything in my life seems like it's coming together... My girlfriend broke up with me & I finally had a sit down talk with my ex boyfriend. Haha, most people would think that being broken up with & talking about your issues with your ex wouldn't exactly be an occasion to smile about, but before all this I was conflicted; I didn't know white from black. I was weighed down with guilt, secrecy, & heartache. I felt guilty because I was in a relationship with someone that I knew I could never love. Everywhere I went I had to be cautious to make sure my ex didn't find out about my queerness before I had the chance to tell him. And much worse was the heartache I was experiencing from losing two of my best friends.
I hadn't talked to my ex boyfriend, in person, in over 8 months when we met up the other night. Psh, I hadn't talked to my ex girlfriend in over a month when she finally got the balls to break up with me yesterday morning. So, you can understand why I thought I'd already lost both of those friendships.
So, I talked to my ex boyfriend the other night... I was so nervous. Not just because I hadn't seen him in 8 months but because since the last time I'd seen him he'd changed a lot & needless to say, I'd changed A LOT. We were meeting up so we could lay everything out on the table, in hopes that the both of us could find some closure or at least come to a point where we could be friends again. I, on the other hand, was a little bit more terrified about this meeting than he was, I'm pretty sure. I mean, the most terrifying thing in the world is coming out to someone you have so much history with & are still in love with.
Even though I was shaking & my heart was pounding, for the first time I can remember, coming out to someone was crazy simple & super easy. I straight up told him that when I got to college, last August, I realized that I was interested in more women than just the one girl in high school he already knew about. Like I said, we have a lot of history, so it was easy to just lay it out there like that. What was more amazing was where our conversation led from there. It was the first time that I truly felt that someone completely understood my sexuality. I can't label myself as a lesbian, bisexual, or straight because I don't feel like I fit into any of those categories. I just feel like I fall in love with people for their personas only and really I've come to the place where I know that God is okay with that.
Everything in my life is coming together, again. After my talk with my ex boyfriend, I feel like I'm beginning to regain my best friend. And after hearing my ex even say that he thinks that God is okay with my sexuality, I think I'm starting to get to that place as well.
Oh yeah, and my ex girlfriend... we both agreed that the relationship should end. She was really relieved & we just had a nice friendly talk after that. Caught up on life over the past month. I was happy to hear that she wanted to break up with me cuz well, we run in the same circle of friends and that just would've been awkward.
So, yeah, all my problems just seem to be drifting away & it's great. Life's coming together nicely!