I Feel It In My Bones

What is lying, really?
When I change the pronoun "she" to "them" or "they" when talking about a situation with a girl to friends... is that a lie? When I tell co-workers I spent the previous night singing karaoke at a local bar but leave out the gay bar detail... is that a lie? I mean really what does constitute a lie, because if this whole lying by omission idea has a solid foundation, I've buried myself deep. My whole life has literally become one lie after another, & I've become scarily good at skirting my way around the truth; you know never technically telling a lie.
In this I literally have created two different worlds for myself, the one in which my bisexual self lives, and alternately, the one in which my straight self exists. For a while these worlds existed completed separately & in perfect harmony. Recently however, my two worlds have begun to collide & I'm beginning to have trouble living in the middle of what has become this kind of Venn diagram type of life.
The lying, if that's what we call it, has frequently become a daily task. Living in this way is painful and a chore. Many of these people that only know half of my truth have actually turned out to be some of the most important people in my life. Truly this is the reason it is all so painful. I want more than anything for these people to really be able to know me. It feels wrong to keep holding back a part of my life that defines so much of who I've become over the past few years. However, with all of my deceiving I'm not sure any of these people are ready to actually hear the truth. It's not even something I'm sure how to say.
Until I do something, though, I'll have this feeling gnawing at bones, telling me that something isn't right within my life. Though I know I haven't directly lied to anyone, I've deceived many, and I'm sure it's time to make that right.

Words Flow Out On Paper

Lately I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. I've realized that because of different stupid reasons I've pushed some of the most important people in my life away.
Trying to prove a point, I've blocked one of my best friends out. But now it's been 8 months & I think she gets the point. I'm angry!... I'm really angry. She's taken everything that's happened with my best friend's death and turned it around to make her out to be the good guy. She's tried to act as if she was there for him and as if she honestly understands what I'm going through. In no way could she be considered the good guy nor does she have any clue what I'm going through in this situation, but I think it's time to try and forgive her; I've proven my point. You know, I've realized that even though she annoys me sometimes I really do need her in my life. It's not okay for me to just cut people out of my life as soon as a problem arises between the two of us.
There are definitely certain people that you just need in your life to keep you, you. During those times when you lose touch with yourself and even the world, one conversation with friends such as these can help you find your inner self once again. We all have those friends. I just so happen to have lost touch with them because I thought I didn't need them anymore. When I came to college I found new "friends" that were really more acquaintances so when I hit rock bottom none of them wanted to be around for that. Thus that left me here, and I can't figure out who this person is that I've become. My "lost me, found me" friends used to be Deanna, Chad, Hana, Ashley, Lacey, & Vincent... I'm not really sure who they are now. I guess that's why I just feel as if I've been lost in who I really am as of late.

Blame It On The Alcohol

I was told by a friend that I just need to be more care free like her & not worry so much about relationships... The only reason she's so carefree is because of the alcohol. I know this because even though she wants to pretend like no one understands where she's coming from, I'm the same way as her. Every time I'm in a rough situation I want to drink. I want to be able to separate myself from reality in such a way that I forget everything that has happened to me. However, I've lost too many close friends and family to drug/alcohol addiction, so even though in most cases all I want to do is drink the pain away & become this carefree version of myself that I love, I refrain from even touching one drink.
In the past I've made it my rule of thumb that alcoholic drinks are only to be consumed when I'm at a happy point in my life. In this, I don't become dependent on it. Unfortunately, last night I broke my rule & just after one night of relying on this drug to suppress my connection with reality, I want so badly to go out and drink again. I know it's not a good idea to begin this cycle but when I woke this morning my first thoughts weren't of how much I miss my best friend or how heart broken I am. Instead I woke up with a clear mind, thinking of absolutely nothing. It was so incredibly refreshing!
I have an addictive personality & alcoholism runs in my family... I know I shouldn't go out tonight but the bad feelings are coming back & it's becoming harder to say no to parties when I know that this short disconnect from reality creates the best feelings I've felt in months.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think about getting in the car, driving until I run out of gas, abandoning my car wherever that may be, & just walking until I arrive some place that doesn't remind me of you. Some place that doesn't even consist of road signs, objects, people, billboards, etc that make my thoughts lean towards how much I miss everything about you. I don't want to think about it anymore. Every night before I go to sleep I can almost feel you with me, but when I wake in the morning you're gone again. Every morning is like facing a new reality. I don't want to feel it anymore. I just want to go some place, away from all that's familiar, & forget about everything and everyone. I want to make a new reality for myself, a better reality. One where I don't miss you in every moment of every day.... maybe, just maybe, if I get away from all of this, this craziness, I won't think of you as much.

What Is a Friend?

How many times have I tried to create this post so far? Hundreds... At this point I'm not able to turn what I'd like to say into coherent thoughts. I can't even come out with it in an incoherent scramble of words. So, this is going to be my attempt at saying a few things about friends and about love.

What is a friend, exactly? Is it someone who's there to listen to your problems when you're down? Or is it someone who's just there to hang out with you and keep you from being lonely all the time? Maybe it's both. If it is, I feel like maybe I never really had any real friends here in Denton. Although, this definition I have for a friend has room for expansion. Someone who listens to your problems & hangs out with you is kind of a limited definition. However, like I said, I don't know how to turn my thoughts into words at this point so that's the best I can do.

And if that is what a friend is, you would think it wouldn't be so hard to just be friends with my ex, but it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There's so much history there. I want to be a good friend but sometimes it's hard to just be that friend & not freak out about some things that I know shouldn't bother me if I was just being a friend. A good friend would be happy that he's moving on; a good friend would be happy that his life is going amazingly well. However, I sometimes cannot help but be upset that he has been able to move on while I have not. It's horrible, but I am human. And I'm still in love with him. This friendship is the only piece of him I have left and honestly I'm ok with just being friends right now but I need to learn how to be a friend & not his lover.

So what exactly is a friend? My friends here aren't exactly the greatest models most of the time.