My Heart Song

There are those people that come and go throughout your life. There are others that are more special and remain for longer periods of time. But then there are the very rare people that only come along once or twice in a life time that shine a special kind of light into your life, a light so bright you want every one to know about it.
God has brought the most amazing woman into my life. She brings me so much joy it's almost incomprehensible. What I've come to realize is that I'm tired of hiding my joy from the people that care about me the most. I want them to share in the happiness I'm experiencing. I want them to know all of me, not just the pieces I've given them these past few years, and get to know my lady as well. I want to be able to be completely honest for the first time in years.
I know that telling my family I'm in love with a woman would not result in shared joy. It would result in heart break, and that I think is the hardest thing about it all. I have days when I'm spilling over with so much love and affection and joy and heart song that I almost tell my mom how in love I am right then and there. I build up my speech; I know exactly what I'm gonna say; and then I really think it through, get struck with terror, and break down in tears.
It's a no win situation that I'm put in. I don't want to break my mom's heart by not marrying a man. However, I want so desperately for her to know how incredibly happy I am and to be honest with her about my life! The fact that I can't tell her that I've found someone who makes my world turn round & round is what breaks my heart!

Grey's Anatomy & Ignorance

Interrogation

So tell me…
Are you dating any boys?

By no means!
But my heart does seem
To sing with songs of love lately.

Isn’t that a bit precarious?
No boy to sing your love song?

No boy,
But someone sings the notes
That make up my soul daily.
Though, I have a feeling
You wouldn’t care for them.

How does that work?
This singing with no boy?
And about this feeling,
How do you know I wouldn’t care for them?

This boy you speak of
Is no boy at all.
In actuality, she is the best woman I’ve ever known.
Her soul fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears.
You care least about her soul, though.
She is not a he.
And that is all that matters.



Not the best but I felt like posting it.

I Feel It In My Bones

What is lying, really?
When I change the pronoun "she" to "them" or "they" when talking about a situation with a girl to friends... is that a lie? When I tell co-workers I spent the previous night singing karaoke at a local bar but leave out the gay bar detail... is that a lie? I mean really what does constitute a lie, because if this whole lying by omission idea has a solid foundation, I've buried myself deep. My whole life has literally become one lie after another, & I've become scarily good at skirting my way around the truth; you know never technically telling a lie.
In this I literally have created two different worlds for myself, the one in which my bisexual self lives, and alternately, the one in which my straight self exists. For a while these worlds existed completed separately & in perfect harmony. Recently however, my two worlds have begun to collide & I'm beginning to have trouble living in the middle of what has become this kind of Venn diagram type of life.
The lying, if that's what we call it, has frequently become a daily task. Living in this way is painful and a chore. Many of these people that only know half of my truth have actually turned out to be some of the most important people in my life. Truly this is the reason it is all so painful. I want more than anything for these people to really be able to know me. It feels wrong to keep holding back a part of my life that defines so much of who I've become over the past few years. However, with all of my deceiving I'm not sure any of these people are ready to actually hear the truth. It's not even something I'm sure how to say.
Until I do something, though, I'll have this feeling gnawing at bones, telling me that something isn't right within my life. Though I know I haven't directly lied to anyone, I've deceived many, and I'm sure it's time to make that right.

Some Things Shouldn't Be Done Drunk

Some things shouldn’t be done in a drunken stupor. Some things you can’t take back. Things such as kissing your best friend or getting almost naked in front of a whole party of people, you can pretend didn’t happen. However, other things cannot be forgotten; things such as these have to be faced and dealt with eventually. I, in one of my so graceful drunken stupors, made the choice to come out to my brother. Though I wrote a very eloquently put letter, it was not the right time and I was definitely not ready for the repercussions. Coming out to someone who means so much to you is most certainly something for the brave and strong hearted. In that moment I was broken, lonely, and lost. I sought out my brother in hopes that I would finally have someone to confide in who understood my background and my faith. Instead what I found was the person I knew my brother to be but didn’t want to accept, a man whose faith completely goes against the whole idea of homosexuality therefore shows ignorance in every idea he owns of the lgbtq community.
My brother is an exceptional man who I admire in every way but it kills me that he is so ignorant in his ideas of what the lgbtq community is. First of all to him there really is no such thing as btq in the lgbtq community. I may have confused him a little by just telling him “hey I like women” but I did also say “hey I definitely still like men too”. I made it clear that it was something I didn’t know how to change and if I could I would (I know a lot of people say they wouldn’t but for me I feel like my life would be so much easier if I could just turn that part of things off) however, he still feels that it’s a choice for me to be this way but “if I choose to be a lesbian” he’s still going to love me. He wants me to try to date more guys for him. It’s like he didn’t understand my letter. I don’t get it! I still like guys A LOT. I just tend to look at girls more… Anyways, what would dating more guys do? I’m not going to be able to date the gay out of me.
Like I said before, if I could change it I would. My brother seems to think that if I just like girls but don’t date them then it means I’m not gay. Ok, so if I like boys but I don’t date them am I not heterosexual? I mean it’s not like I don’t think about girls when I’m not dating them. I meet girls that I think are cute and I think about how amazing they are and how awesome a life with them would be. It’s not even a sexual thing; it’s an emotional thing. How do I turn that off?
I don’t know… I’ve been thinking about going the dating guys route for a while anyways. I just feel like being normal for a little while & not being just the girl that likes girls. Though when I do assume that role of normalcy it makes me feel a little bad that I’m able to go back and forth because I know that my lesbian friends can’t do that. They can’t just decide they’re going to date guys for a while because they’re not remotely attracted to guys…. I have mixed emotions about it all but I do think it may be something I need to do for me for a little while.

Her Dancers Are Gay!

I had a fun mother's day weekend filled with family fun times. Today was actually a lot of fun (really, I'm not joking). I went to church & Panera Bread with my mother, and then afterward the whole family went to the Rangers game and out to dinner. It was a decent day. Those don't come very often with my family.
Saturday however was a very awkward gathering for my Aunt's birthday at a park close to my grandmother's house. Twas an afternoon filled with rehearsed, almost forced conversation. The same topics were covered (thus the rehearsed feeling) and then the few random topics were thrown in there as well. One of those random topics was Lady Gaga's American Idol performance... you know,of course we couldn't talk about anything with substance. The general references that I was expecting were made towards the performance by my aunt, "That was just very weird" "They advertise it as a family show & then they put that filth on there!" Then my cousin made a remark that reminded me once again why I can't come out to my family.
I don't know if anyone reads this but if any one does & you hear me talking about coming out to my family remind me of this. My cousin, as the rest of my family was jumping on the band wagon, making foul remarks about Lady Gaga, decided to say this with a look of disgust on his face, "Yeah and you know all of her dancers are gay!"
My response to that was "So????" But you know the rest of my family thought that was just deplorable... So yeah, I'm gonna start writing about this stuff on here so that if I do get mobbed by family someday because they found out I likes the ladies someone will know what happened to me lol.

Hey I Like Rainbows

Walking around on Wednesday with a baggy tank top on & pants that looked like something in between cargo & parachute pants, I realized that my look basically screamed gay. Really it was like, "Hey guys look at me, I'm a Queer!" I honestly looked like an Alanis Morissette or Ani DiFranco mini me, it was not even cute. And obviously I don't dress like that everyday or I wouldn't have any reason to be writing about it, but days like that I can't help but wonder how my parents or other people in my family haven't realized I've got a little bit of gayness going on.
I understand that you do get used to the idea of a person being straight & it's easy to ignore little hints thrown out there because most people don't want their children to be gay. And honestly no parent wants to jump to conclusions about a certain way their children are dressing or acting, but come on! Days when I dress like this on top of how much of a guy I can be sometimes is like "Hey guys I like rainbows!"
Though I don't dress in my Alanis Morissette wanna be outfits on purpose, I do feel like it would be so much easier for my parents to just figure out that I'm bisexual or at least think I'm a lesbian. So maybe I do push it a little bit with the hints I drop around them "I'm probably not gonna get married" "If I have kids I'm going to adopt them"... the other day I even started talking to them about my views on gay marriage. Basically I'd rather them find out on their own, deal with it, then the initial blow up when I do tell them will maybe be a little less. But who knows, I'll have to do some major praying before I decide to do that.