Grey's Anatomy & Ignorance

Apparently People Don't Like Being Stared At

I think perhaps I can say now that dating men is just not for me. I tried it and I'm over it. Granted I did only date two guys this summer and they both wound up being a tad bit on the weird side. This isn't to say that I'm not still attracted to men because believe me I'm all about that and a bag of chips; I'm just no longer interested in dating just to experience more of what the male sex has to offer. Perhaps one day a man will charm me with his wits and some obscene knowledge of an interesting topic and sweep me off my feet. However right now it seems other things have sparked my interest.
As of late a certain oh so obvious lesbian at my work has my attention. It's apparently something that she's beginning to notice, which was definitely not my intent. I just wanted to stare at her a bit and you know not completely out myself to the Christian organization I work for, but apparently if you stare at someone enough they begin to notice after a while. As I was clocking out last week, I did my usual stare down on my way out of the office and got a nice little stare back with a smile that almost said something like, "this is weird please stop".
Today didn't make the situation any better. As I walked into work and began to smile at her and her coworkers trying to make it less awkward, she immediately took out her phone and pretended to text. I don't know what's going on there but that encounter in the morning didn't make the one in the afternoon any less uncomfortable. As I was heading out in the afternoon I decided to head to the women's locker room to go to the bath room and as I entered the door she was heading out of the locker room. We nearly collided directly into one another. When we each realized who the other was it was like two magnets repelling each other. It basically turned into a holy shit moment; like if we touched each other all hell was going to break loose and we both would get fired for some dumb reason that would essentially amount to this Christian organization not wanting gay people working with kids.
If only the world wasn't so stupid and we could all just be honest with every one all the time...

Some Things Shouldn't Be Done Drunk

Some things shouldn’t be done in a drunken stupor. Some things you can’t take back. Things such as kissing your best friend or getting almost naked in front of a whole party of people, you can pretend didn’t happen. However, other things cannot be forgotten; things such as these have to be faced and dealt with eventually. I, in one of my so graceful drunken stupors, made the choice to come out to my brother. Though I wrote a very eloquently put letter, it was not the right time and I was definitely not ready for the repercussions. Coming out to someone who means so much to you is most certainly something for the brave and strong hearted. In that moment I was broken, lonely, and lost. I sought out my brother in hopes that I would finally have someone to confide in who understood my background and my faith. Instead what I found was the person I knew my brother to be but didn’t want to accept, a man whose faith completely goes against the whole idea of homosexuality therefore shows ignorance in every idea he owns of the lgbtq community.
My brother is an exceptional man who I admire in every way but it kills me that he is so ignorant in his ideas of what the lgbtq community is. First of all to him there really is no such thing as btq in the lgbtq community. I may have confused him a little by just telling him “hey I like women” but I did also say “hey I definitely still like men too”. I made it clear that it was something I didn’t know how to change and if I could I would (I know a lot of people say they wouldn’t but for me I feel like my life would be so much easier if I could just turn that part of things off) however, he still feels that it’s a choice for me to be this way but “if I choose to be a lesbian” he’s still going to love me. He wants me to try to date more guys for him. It’s like he didn’t understand my letter. I don’t get it! I still like guys A LOT. I just tend to look at girls more… Anyways, what would dating more guys do? I’m not going to be able to date the gay out of me.
Like I said before, if I could change it I would. My brother seems to think that if I just like girls but don’t date them then it means I’m not gay. Ok, so if I like boys but I don’t date them am I not heterosexual? I mean it’s not like I don’t think about girls when I’m not dating them. I meet girls that I think are cute and I think about how amazing they are and how awesome a life with them would be. It’s not even a sexual thing; it’s an emotional thing. How do I turn that off?
I don’t know… I’ve been thinking about going the dating guys route for a while anyways. I just feel like being normal for a little while & not being just the girl that likes girls. Though when I do assume that role of normalcy it makes me feel a little bad that I’m able to go back and forth because I know that my lesbian friends can’t do that. They can’t just decide they’re going to date guys for a while because they’re not remotely attracted to guys…. I have mixed emotions about it all but I do think it may be something I need to do for me for a little while.

Hey I Like Rainbows

Walking around on Wednesday with a baggy tank top on & pants that looked like something in between cargo & parachute pants, I realized that my look basically screamed gay. Really it was like, "Hey guys look at me, I'm a Queer!" I honestly looked like an Alanis Morissette or Ani DiFranco mini me, it was not even cute. And obviously I don't dress like that everyday or I wouldn't have any reason to be writing about it, but days like that I can't help but wonder how my parents or other people in my family haven't realized I've got a little bit of gayness going on.
I understand that you do get used to the idea of a person being straight & it's easy to ignore little hints thrown out there because most people don't want their children to be gay. And honestly no parent wants to jump to conclusions about a certain way their children are dressing or acting, but come on! Days when I dress like this on top of how much of a guy I can be sometimes is like "Hey guys I like rainbows!"
Though I don't dress in my Alanis Morissette wanna be outfits on purpose, I do feel like it would be so much easier for my parents to just figure out that I'm bisexual or at least think I'm a lesbian. So maybe I do push it a little bit with the hints I drop around them "I'm probably not gonna get married" "If I have kids I'm going to adopt them"... the other day I even started talking to them about my views on gay marriage. Basically I'd rather them find out on their own, deal with it, then the initial blow up when I do tell them will maybe be a little less. But who knows, I'll have to do some major praying before I decide to do that.

Skanky Ladies

I've just been wondering something lately... what is it about lesbians that they have to move so quickly in relationships? Or it could just be my whole entire generation that's in a huge hurry, and everyone, not just lesbians, have their relationships in fast forward. I'm starting to think I'm the only one with this crazy notion still stuck in my head; the notion that people should get to know each other before sexual advances are made, but you know there may be a few people out there that still hold some of these ideals close to their heart.

I just can't get into the whole idea of going on a first date getting to know a few monetary details about someone, then deciding to go on a second date where you hear a few more details about who that person is, find out a little bit of their past, and then discuss much of their sexual history. Once you've gotten through these first two dates and you've gotten the "getting to know you stage" out of the way, (because after two dates you obviously know so much about this person) and it's now time for the "sex date." On this date you've got a little more of a chance to get to know this person but really it's all going to end up in the bedroom in the end, so the conversation I would assume is all leaning in that direction (sex! sex! sex!) Then finally you get to the "yes! yes! yes!" part, I guess.

Call me old fashioned & I guess anti-queer culture, but I still think that sex is something special that should be reserved for two people that are madly in love with each other. It's definitely not something that should be casual & definitely not something to be experienced with someone you barely know.

I Am Second... Literature?

I found this literature on Iamsecond.com and was basically appalled by how ignorant it was. For a website that is supposed to be like we understand you, see there is some one else that has gone through what you're going through & they made it out with God on their side... I just didn't think they would be so "this is how it is and bam" with their literature. Of course the only one I've looked at so far is the one about homosexuality but it makes me not want to look at anything else.

WHAT FACTORS LEAD FEMALES INTO LESBIANISM?

1. Failure to identify with her weak mother
- Excelling in athletics and becoming a tomboy, thus hindering her the development of her femininity
- Rejecting her mother, thus parenting herself, creating a craving for a mother figure

2. Failure to bond with her non nurturing mother
- Viewing her mother as harsh and overly critical, feeling she can never please her mother
- Blaming her mother for breaking up the family

3. Failure to be drawn to males because of her abusive father or mistreatment from other males
- Refusing to trust men as a result of an emotionally detached, absent, or alcoholic father
- Recoiling from men as a result of sexual or physical abuse by a male

My mother and I of course had a rocky relationship during my middle school years but most people I know didn't have the greatest relationship with their parents back then. I thought that my parents didn't understand me and you know, I basically hated the world. I never got to the point, however, not even in middle school when my relationship with my parents was at its worst, where I "rejected my mother and parented myself."

And since when has involvement in sports hindered femininity? Plus who says being a lesbian means you have to be un-feminine!? Just yesterday I was wearing a sparkly, leopard print top, skinny jeans, & white, beaded heels. Plus I spent about an hour fixing my hair and doing my makeup. If my attraction to women has hindered my femininity please tell me how!

My mother is pretty critical about some things but she's also very encouraging at other times so I don't think that's "the reason" (because you know there's always got to be a reason) I'm attracted to women. I definitely don't think that she's broken up my family! We may not be happy all the time but what family is? I think it's morally wrong for literature like this to blame mothers of queer people for "doing something wrong". If they are extremely religious parents they already feel bad enough without relating the cause of it all to something that they must have done!

And of course the third point on there is just ridiculous. Though I know many people whose fathers have abused them or just been absent/detached from their lives, my father was not like that at all. We have always had our disagreements and I don't get along with his ideologies most of the time, but when it comes down to it I can sit on the couch, cuddle with my Daddy and know that he loves and supports me. My father has been there for most everything that is important to me. (To add onto that most of the people I know that have been abused or their fathers just weren't there, they're straight as can beeeee!)

So, obviously this whole system is a little bit flawed. The rest of the literature is elaborating on the acronym FREEDOM which is an acronym that basically is supposed to guilt someone into giving up the homosexual lifestyle. All I gained from reading this literature and looking up the scripture references is that lusting after someone is wrong and sinful in nature, sex is sacred and should be treated in a sacred way, God loves us forever and ever, and God knew me before I was even formed in the womb. If I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and I'm so special that God even knows the number of hairs on my head, could it be possible that this may be a part of how wonderful I am to God?

Could it be possible that maybe we all need to look at those verses and reanalyze them as not verses to preach against homosexuality but verses to take back the holiness of sexual relations. Everyone in the religious world has this distorted view that as queer people we must obviously be having sex with anything that can walk and for me I know that that's not true. I won't have sex with anyone unless I know I could spend the rest of my life with them.

Even in literature that condemns me to hell, I am able to find some good in it through the scriptures listed. What's kind of funny is that brings me a substantial amount of joy as well!

Truth or Dare

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like being as gay as you possibly can be? Today didn't start off that way, but after making a Truth or Dare video in which one of the dares was to dress opposite from your normal stereotype, I just felt moved to do all things gay! I looked extremely lesbian in every sense of the word. After my gayed out Truth or Dare video, I danced around the house to hip hop and when that was done with I sat down & turned my TV to Logo. Normally I get made fun of for fitting different stereotypes but today (after being home for almost a month & being perfectly straight for weeks) I just felt like expressing the queer side of me. There's nothing wrong with this bisexual lady wanting to express her gay side for just one day. I agree I might've gone over the top. After a few hours of Logo I put my hat on (backwards, of course) and headed out to Panera Bread to pick up the ultimate in vegetarian sandwiches. I had forgotten how small of a town my hometown still was. When I walked into Panera everyone immediately stared at me. Ordering something vegetarian definitely didn't help my cause, haha! On my way home a Lady Gaga song came on the radio & I danced in the only way a Lesbian (for a day) would dance- crazy as hell! It was a lot of fun playing out all of these stereotypes and I agree a lot of lesbians/bisexual women do fit some of them sometimes but most of us don't fit them all of the time. I like to listen to Tegan and Sara- sometimes. I like to dress in baggy clothes- sometimes. I hook my keys to my belt- sometimes. I wear my hat backwards- sometimes. I dance badly- sometimes. I mean someone probably fits one of the hundreds of stereotypes but I'm sure there's someone in the world who likes Creed too.

My super lesbian day was a lot of fun but that's sooo not who I am & definitely not who I want to be. I likes me some men! I ended my day by watching Miles Austin's fine ass make a touch down for The Dallas Cowboys! Watching the game was the cherry on top of my gay day haha.

Passion Burns

I sometimes hate myself for the way passion burns inside me when I look at a woman. I don't get that same passion looking at a man. Maybe it's because I'm so sexually repressed right now... I've never been able to notice the intense difference before. I always knew that when I walk into a bar I notice the women first, but this is different. A passion wells up inside me when I see two women kiss and I get this feeling that I want something like what they have for myself. When I see a man & a woman together it makes me smile to know that they're happy, however I don't get that same passionate feeling like I do seeing two women together. These kinds of feelings are why I was hesitant to label myself... cuz can you really be bisexual if that fire only arises when you look at one man? Am I really just a lesbian who somehow fell in love with a man?

I'm Tired of Talking About Gay People!

It's been a while since I've written on here & really there's a number of reasons for that. Life's been really rough lately but the purpose for this update isn't to talk about how crappy life's been, because I don't know if I'm ready to put that in writing yet. I don't want to feel the permanence of this situation just yet. When I write something down it becomes real, it becomes permanent & I have to fully face the situation. I don't want to do that yet.

Anywho... let's get to the point. Basically most of my classes are related to each other this semester in the fact that Human Sexuality talks about the history of sexuality & where some of our morals that have to do with sexuality come from & tradition & such. Then my Dance Appreciation class talks about the history of dance and the traditions & religions in which it originated. Then I have my Philosophy class which talks about past, present, & future of mankind & the way we think about everything. So all of these classes are pretty interconnected.

Well, this past week in my Human Sexuality class we had a guest speaker come & talk to the class about hate speech. It was a really interesting way of presenting the idea that words like "faggot" or "fruit" should be thought just as offensive as words like "nigger" or "spic". It seemed to be a really effective discussion from the reactions of my classmates. However, when the guest speaker opened it up for questioning, my Human Sexuality class turned into an all out religious debate. Now, I'm a Christian but these people were just saying hateful things & telling this man that basically all gay people were going to Hell & that he could become a Christian if he wanted to. I listened to the "questioning" for a little while but as soon as someone asked, "Do you think gay people can be Christians?" I checked out & wanted to know when it was that I had signed up for a moral problems class.

If that had been the only time I had to talk about the subject of homosexuality I would've still been sick of talking about it, but the next day I opened up my text book to read for my Philosophy class & hey look we have a reading about Homosexuality. Then later that week I get an e-mail from my grandmother that talks about it again (something about some guy wanting to make schools pro-homosexual... who knows my grandmama is super right-wing conservative so the guy probably just wanted to educate children so they wouldn't be so homophobic).

Lol, but today was the fizz oozing popping open my bottle, saying this is enough. In my Philosophy class when we were talking about a topic that wasn't even related to homosexuals we managed to bring back in a gay topic. We were talking about how when you are making a decision in the public sphere, according to this one philosopher, you should leave all your beliefs about politics, religion, etc. in the private sphere & it should not affect the choice you make. My teacher was trying to illustrate how hard it is to create an argument without using any elements from the private sphere to base that argument upon. So she asked the class, "What's a controversial topic today?" Someone said health care, death penalty, abortion, etc. No one said anything about gay people! And all of a sudden my teacher is like, "What about gay marriage?" WTF? Where did that even come from? Just randomly pulled that one out of her ass. While we talked about what we could use to argue gay marriage for the rest of the class, I texted my ex girlfriend about how it was really odd how many times I'd talked about homosexual issues in the past week.

As the class ended I stood up & said a little louder than intended, "Gosh, I'm so tired of talking about gay people!" Everyone in the class just kind of stared at me with this evil glares like I was the most horrible person in the world. I mean you've got to understand I definitely don't look like the queerest person in the world. To most people in that class at that moment I looked like a homophobic ass face. So I immediately followed myself up with, "I say as I get off the phone with my ex girlfriend!!!" By the time I did my follow up I don't think people were listening to me anymore, though.

Though I should be more careful what I say and how loud I say it, I am tired of talking about gay people. I know what the issues are. I live them day in & day out. Talking about them every other day only reminds me how sucky things are. Oh & let's not mention the fact that when people talk about all this stuff they never once mention anyone besides gay men & lesbian women... apparently those are the only people that are discriminated against. Wrong! Bisexual men & women are discriminated against even within the gay community. Let's not even open up the topic of how much trans people are discriminated against. I hate how little understanding most people have of the situation, even people who claim to be authorities on it.

Why is it so hard?

I wish that more people in this world could take people for who they are and not lump them into a category upon immediately meeting them. I also wish more people could identify with who they are as a person rather than using their sexuality to define themselves. Why fall into the world's views of what a lesbian is and so on? Why can't people just be their own version of themselves? There's so much more to people than just their sexuality. Of course, if there weren't so many people that weren't just like, "Hi I'm Sarah; I'm a lesbian!" then there wouldn't be so much of a problem with the rest of the world using a person's sexuality to define a person's character.

Granted I do hang out with a lot of gay people, I go to the gay bar, & last night I did go to a drag party, but you can't just define me as a lesbian & say that's who I am. There's so much more there. I fall into many of the stereotypes but I've got a lot more going for me. I read my Bible nightly, I don't ever do meaningless anything (kisses included), I find beauty in every aspect of life... And really this is the same for a lot of my gay friends. It just makes me so angry when people define themselves by their sexuality or others do it for them.

One of the many but super solvable reasons people are afraid to come out to their friends. They don't want to be defined by their sexuality but by the person they truly are. Why is that so hard? Really, why is that so hard?

Two Dancing Ladies

So I'm back at college now & I can say I fully enjoy it here more than at home, but there's a bitter sweetness about it. Last night whilst at the local gay bar I spotted someone I'd never seen there before. She captivated me in every way! It was karaoke night so there weren't many people on the dance floor and I'm sure that any other night I probably would've noticed her, as well, but last night just made my view of her all the more clear. As she stepped out onto the dance floor, she grabbed what seemed to be her girlfriend and started moving to the beat. I became enthralled at how beautiful the two of them were together. My newly spotted interest would spin her girl around underneath her arm, bring her in close & then send her out twirling again. They seemed so happy in that dance. Definitely a kind of happiness and beauty I've always longed for with someone. Staring at the beautiful couple and thinking about my life, I was suddenly interrupted by my friend April with, "Whatcha thinkin bout?" My instinctive response was, "Nothing!" Then I realized that I was talking to someone who knew me well & I definitely wouldn't be able to fool her so I quickly changed my response to, "Everything...."
I don't know what it is about certain things that make you think about "everything." There's always something different but last night I obviously was set off by this attractive couple dancing. It made me think about my sexuality. Made me start to miss both of my exes. It also made me wonder if I'll ever know anything comparable to the love that I once knew.
All I know is that these two women dancing were so beautiful. They had an innocent kind of air to their love. That, I think is what was most refreshing.