Blame It On The Alcohol

I was told by a friend that I just need to be more care free like her & not worry so much about relationships... The only reason she's so carefree is because of the alcohol. I know this because even though she wants to pretend like no one understands where she's coming from, I'm the same way as her. Every time I'm in a rough situation I want to drink. I want to be able to separate myself from reality in such a way that I forget everything that has happened to me. However, I've lost too many close friends and family to drug/alcohol addiction, so even though in most cases all I want to do is drink the pain away & become this carefree version of myself that I love, I refrain from even touching one drink.
In the past I've made it my rule of thumb that alcoholic drinks are only to be consumed when I'm at a happy point in my life. In this, I don't become dependent on it. Unfortunately, last night I broke my rule & just after one night of relying on this drug to suppress my connection with reality, I want so badly to go out and drink again. I know it's not a good idea to begin this cycle but when I woke this morning my first thoughts weren't of how much I miss my best friend or how heart broken I am. Instead I woke up with a clear mind, thinking of absolutely nothing. It was so incredibly refreshing!
I have an addictive personality & alcoholism runs in my family... I know I shouldn't go out tonight but the bad feelings are coming back & it's becoming harder to say no to parties when I know that this short disconnect from reality creates the best feelings I've felt in months.

Two Dancing Ladies

So I'm back at college now & I can say I fully enjoy it here more than at home, but there's a bitter sweetness about it. Last night whilst at the local gay bar I spotted someone I'd never seen there before. She captivated me in every way! It was karaoke night so there weren't many people on the dance floor and I'm sure that any other night I probably would've noticed her, as well, but last night just made my view of her all the more clear. As she stepped out onto the dance floor, she grabbed what seemed to be her girlfriend and started moving to the beat. I became enthralled at how beautiful the two of them were together. My newly spotted interest would spin her girl around underneath her arm, bring her in close & then send her out twirling again. They seemed so happy in that dance. Definitely a kind of happiness and beauty I've always longed for with someone. Staring at the beautiful couple and thinking about my life, I was suddenly interrupted by my friend April with, "Whatcha thinkin bout?" My instinctive response was, "Nothing!" Then I realized that I was talking to someone who knew me well & I definitely wouldn't be able to fool her so I quickly changed my response to, "Everything...."
I don't know what it is about certain things that make you think about "everything." There's always something different but last night I obviously was set off by this attractive couple dancing. It made me think about my sexuality. Made me start to miss both of my exes. It also made me wonder if I'll ever know anything comparable to the love that I once knew.
All I know is that these two women dancing were so beautiful. They had an innocent kind of air to their love. That, I think is what was most refreshing.