Skanky Ladies

I've just been wondering something lately... what is it about lesbians that they have to move so quickly in relationships? Or it could just be my whole entire generation that's in a huge hurry, and everyone, not just lesbians, have their relationships in fast forward. I'm starting to think I'm the only one with this crazy notion still stuck in my head; the notion that people should get to know each other before sexual advances are made, but you know there may be a few people out there that still hold some of these ideals close to their heart.

I just can't get into the whole idea of going on a first date getting to know a few monetary details about someone, then deciding to go on a second date where you hear a few more details about who that person is, find out a little bit of their past, and then discuss much of their sexual history. Once you've gotten through these first two dates and you've gotten the "getting to know you stage" out of the way, (because after two dates you obviously know so much about this person) and it's now time for the "sex date." On this date you've got a little more of a chance to get to know this person but really it's all going to end up in the bedroom in the end, so the conversation I would assume is all leaning in that direction (sex! sex! sex!) Then finally you get to the "yes! yes! yes!" part, I guess.

Call me old fashioned & I guess anti-queer culture, but I still think that sex is something special that should be reserved for two people that are madly in love with each other. It's definitely not something that should be casual & definitely not something to be experienced with someone you barely know.

Sick Ice Cream

I'm sick today and my boss wasn't so happy about me calling in sick. I was so upset that I couldn't go teach my class today. I love those kids! They are definitely the most amazing kids in the world! I suppose last night's late night ice cream could have something to do with me being sick. It could just have been the little bit I needed to push me over the edge from healthy to unwell. But I can't say that if I knew it was going to make me sick that I still wouldn't have gone to get it. I'm having a somewhat horrible week and I NEEDED that ice cream to keep me from a mental breakdown.

My Best Friend Is Gone

What is it about certain songs, certain pictures, or even cars, television shows, billboard signs, etc. that can just flood your heart with emotions? I don't understand why I can look directly at a picture of someone or even talk directly to them and not feel anything, but when I hear a certain song or even someone else says just the right thing, I can feel myself fill up with an incomprehensible amount of emotions. Is it just that we get so used to looking at something that it stops stirring up our insides so the things that actually do surprise us? Or have we all just tried to become numb to the continuous pain that keeps attacking our lives. At some point I guess the anesthesia has to wear off and that's when those sneak attacks from songs & pictures & cars arise. I'm not really sure which of the two it is... maybe it's a little bit of both. I sit and I look at a picture of him that's on my wall every night before I go to bed. It stopped stirring anything up inside me months ago. I think about him every day and I miss him immensely, but I can't remember the last time I cried about him not being here. It's not because I don't want to; it's more so because I just haven't been able to lately. So maybe I have gotten used to my surroundings, but I think I've managed to numb some part of myself as well.
Whatever the case may be, healing is a process and, in this particular case, a very long process.

Truth or Dare

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like being as gay as you possibly can be? Today didn't start off that way, but after making a Truth or Dare video in which one of the dares was to dress opposite from your normal stereotype, I just felt moved to do all things gay! I looked extremely lesbian in every sense of the word. After my gayed out Truth or Dare video, I danced around the house to hip hop and when that was done with I sat down & turned my TV to Logo. Normally I get made fun of for fitting different stereotypes but today (after being home for almost a month & being perfectly straight for weeks) I just felt like expressing the queer side of me. There's nothing wrong with this bisexual lady wanting to express her gay side for just one day. I agree I might've gone over the top. After a few hours of Logo I put my hat on (backwards, of course) and headed out to Panera Bread to pick up the ultimate in vegetarian sandwiches. I had forgotten how small of a town my hometown still was. When I walked into Panera everyone immediately stared at me. Ordering something vegetarian definitely didn't help my cause, haha! On my way home a Lady Gaga song came on the radio & I danced in the only way a Lesbian (for a day) would dance- crazy as hell! It was a lot of fun playing out all of these stereotypes and I agree a lot of lesbians/bisexual women do fit some of them sometimes but most of us don't fit them all of the time. I like to listen to Tegan and Sara- sometimes. I like to dress in baggy clothes- sometimes. I hook my keys to my belt- sometimes. I wear my hat backwards- sometimes. I dance badly- sometimes. I mean someone probably fits one of the hundreds of stereotypes but I'm sure there's someone in the world who likes Creed too.

My super lesbian day was a lot of fun but that's sooo not who I am & definitely not who I want to be. I likes me some men! I ended my day by watching Miles Austin's fine ass make a touch down for The Dallas Cowboys! Watching the game was the cherry on top of my gay day haha.

New Year- Old Shit

People look at the new year as if it's this huge blank slate. Like somehow we're all getting a new lease on life. However, I see it as this... my best friend is still six feet under and I still have all the problems I had yesterday. Maybe we all make such a big deal out of the new year because the thought of dealing with the fact that nothing in life ever really just goes away is too difficult for our fragile souls to deal with. The truth of it is that the shit will continue to pile on, & there is nothing we can do to stop it or to make it go away.

But the light in all of this is that things like good friends, spontaneity, warm cookies, a good chick flick, etc... can all make our shit smell a little better & sometimes even make it smell so good that we forget what we've got hidden in the dark corners of our minds.

Something to Take Home to Mom

I'm not something to take home to your mother... nor am I something to take home to your father. However, isn't life about pursuing what makes you happy and not what's going to make your parents or other people in your life happy? With everything that has happened in my life, losing my grandmother, a good friend, someone who was like a brother, & also losing a best friend, I've learned that life's too short to live for anyone other than yourself. In the words of Gavin Degraw, "I don't want to be anything other than me!" And when you live only to satisfy the wants of other people you just can't be happy. Maybe for a while you're happy because for once you've found their approval but when you realize that what you're doing isn't being done for you but for them, then that happiness will quickly fade. If you always have to put up a front to seek your parent's approval, are they truly approving of the person you've become? If you even have to put up a front to the person you're dating (the person that your parents approve of) is it really real? I mean is anything real if they don't know the true version of you? It doesn't make sense to me to choose to date someone based on the fact that your parents approve of them because honestly what has always mattered most to me is how I feel about them. You're definitely not something I can take home to my mother either... but that never really mattered to me because I live for no one but myself!

Why is it so hard?

I wish that more people in this world could take people for who they are and not lump them into a category upon immediately meeting them. I also wish more people could identify with who they are as a person rather than using their sexuality to define themselves. Why fall into the world's views of what a lesbian is and so on? Why can't people just be their own version of themselves? There's so much more to people than just their sexuality. Of course, if there weren't so many people that weren't just like, "Hi I'm Sarah; I'm a lesbian!" then there wouldn't be so much of a problem with the rest of the world using a person's sexuality to define a person's character.

Granted I do hang out with a lot of gay people, I go to the gay bar, & last night I did go to a drag party, but you can't just define me as a lesbian & say that's who I am. There's so much more there. I fall into many of the stereotypes but I've got a lot more going for me. I read my Bible nightly, I don't ever do meaningless anything (kisses included), I find beauty in every aspect of life... And really this is the same for a lot of my gay friends. It just makes me so angry when people define themselves by their sexuality or others do it for them.

One of the many but super solvable reasons people are afraid to come out to their friends. They don't want to be defined by their sexuality but by the person they truly are. Why is that so hard? Really, why is that so hard?

Two Dancing Ladies

So I'm back at college now & I can say I fully enjoy it here more than at home, but there's a bitter sweetness about it. Last night whilst at the local gay bar I spotted someone I'd never seen there before. She captivated me in every way! It was karaoke night so there weren't many people on the dance floor and I'm sure that any other night I probably would've noticed her, as well, but last night just made my view of her all the more clear. As she stepped out onto the dance floor, she grabbed what seemed to be her girlfriend and started moving to the beat. I became enthralled at how beautiful the two of them were together. My newly spotted interest would spin her girl around underneath her arm, bring her in close & then send her out twirling again. They seemed so happy in that dance. Definitely a kind of happiness and beauty I've always longed for with someone. Staring at the beautiful couple and thinking about my life, I was suddenly interrupted by my friend April with, "Whatcha thinkin bout?" My instinctive response was, "Nothing!" Then I realized that I was talking to someone who knew me well & I definitely wouldn't be able to fool her so I quickly changed my response to, "Everything...."
I don't know what it is about certain things that make you think about "everything." There's always something different but last night I obviously was set off by this attractive couple dancing. It made me think about my sexuality. Made me start to miss both of my exes. It also made me wonder if I'll ever know anything comparable to the love that I once knew.
All I know is that these two women dancing were so beautiful. They had an innocent kind of air to their love. That, I think is what was most refreshing.

What Is It About I Love You?

So, what exactly is it about saying I love you that moves a person to tears or more often terrifies one to death? It's just three words. Standing alone each word doesn't seem to shake us at all. Obviously "I" and "you" have little effect on any person. The word "love", however, you would think, would mean a little more to people. It really doesn't seem that way, though. I even call many of my friends by the pet name "love" and none of them bat an eye lash when the word is spoken. Without a doubt, there's only power in those three words when spoken together, in sequence I... love... you.
It's an extreme type of power that these words seem to hold, and frankly, it doesn't make sense to me. We freak out about saying them to a person for weeks, often months, building up this huge scenario in our minds about how it's going to be when we do actually say I love you, & then when we do, it's just disappointing. Either the other person actually does love you too and just says, "Oh I love you too," or they don't feel the same way and they say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Why do we torture ourselves? We wait for the perfect moment to say these three words for months and months. Why not just get the moment over with? It doesn't matter if the moment is right or not! Okay, well to a degree it matters, but the moment doesn't have to be absolutely perfect.
Think about a world where everyone just told people when they fell in love with each other. How much heartache would that save us? A lot! I mean yeah, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you thought it would, but it gives you closure so that you can move on. There would be a lot less "what if" scenarios... you would know how that other person felt about you and be able to get on with your damn life!
I'm just sayin, life would be easier...