There's a Reason For It All

While walking home from class last week, ridden with anxiety & just trying to get out of my head space, I came across the homeless man I'd encountered a couple of times in the past few weeks. His blankets had fallen on the ground behind his wheel chair so I stopped to pick them up and say a quick hello. This “quick hello” turned into so much more than I ever could have expected.

We chatted about my classes, the weather, Nam, just life in general... as I stood there talking it seemed as if the conversation was beginning to go on forever. Although I’m sure it was all in my head I felt as though I was trapped and there was no way out. This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy talking to the man, I was just ridden with so much anxiety that day and just wanted to go home to my bed, where I felt safe. Finally, I found a way out and as I turned to leave he notice my jacket. Across my chest was the word LOVE. I had forgotten all about it. I've had the jacket for so long that I hardly even take notice of it anymore but as soon as he brought it up I remembered the organization that was so close to my heart. I explained to him that To Write Love On Her Arms was an organization raising awareness about depression and offering help for those who are suicidal. He then began to tell me his story... his amazing story of how he tried but thankfully failed to commit suicide!

On his first attempt he put a gun into his mouth, tried to pull the trigger, and nothing happened. As a result of inspecting the gun he realized the safety just so happened to be on. This problem was easily solvable so he switched the safety to its off position and as he was about to try again he heard his wife walk in the door. Not wanting his wife to see him shooting a bullet through his head, he put the gun away determined to try again later. Fortunately, his family got into some financial problems and he had to sell his gun to feed his family. Still depressed and life still playing out a rough hand, he bought a shot gun right before the uncertainty of the new millennium. Not being able to handle the unknown, he put the shot gun to his chest and pulled the trigger… misfire! At this point he put the shotgun down, and decided he would give up on this idea of killing himself. He knew God must want him here for some reason. He didn’t know what that reason was but he knew God must have a big plan for him.

After hearing this story, my anxiety subsided (at least for a little while). God has a reason and plan for everything. I’ve always known that but I never really got it until that moment. Maybe God’s reason for keeping this man alive was to bring him into my life and inspire some shred of hope back into my soul.

Dreams Are Just Small Reminders

I think I'm beginning to realize that my weird dreams are just small reminders that things aren't really okay without Vincent on this earth. Over the past month or so my world has seemed to turn around in a way I can't even explain. It's one of those things where you look outside & all of a sudden you can see the beauty in God's creation again. I all of a sudden was thankful for everyday & every type of weather (not to say that I wasn't thankful for things before but this was different). It was the first time since Vincent's death that I truly felt blessed and truly saw how gorgeous my life really is. Everyday I would walk to the bus and have a dance in my heart, thankful for the blessings God has provided me with. As of late, though, I've felt that dance slipping away from me. The more I question whether I'm living my life in a Godly manner, the more I miss having someone to talk to about issues such as this... I have missed having an objective friend that can just listen and offer helpful advice not motivated by religious or sexual preferences. Because of this my nights have been filled with little to no sleep lately. The little sleep I have been getting has been ridden with strange dreams that constantly remind me how lost I am without my best friend in this world. When one experiences dreams such as this & begins to think & overthink everything, it's hard to know what exactly you can trust as being reality. I've recently started falling hard for a girl I barely know, and it's hard to know if these feelings even come from some place genuine. It's incredibly possible that they just derive from the desire to feel a closeness with someone right now.

I Died & Rose Again

So Easter Sunday was last week and which marked the end of lent. It was probably the most interesting Easter weekend I've had in my whole life not to mention one of the most interesting endings to lent (I gave up caffeine). On Good Friday I went through an experience that was like dying. I found myself in the park by what used to be my best friend's house late that night; curled up inside a slide on the playground there, I was all but completely broken. When I finally did get the motivation to leave the park it was for the satisfaction of a few drinks so that I could forget why I had come to that park. In a few hours, needless to say, I was hammered. I was finally able to kill that piece of me.

The next day, Saturday, my friend invited me to come along with her to visit my best friend's mom. It was such an amazing experience! I felt like I was then burying that piece that I had killed the day before. As the day went on I got to know her more and more and as we reminisced about my lost friend, her son, I was beginning to feel something for the first time in months. There were other amazing things that happened that day but that was the best of them.

Early Easter morning as I sat in Easter Sunday service the words of the pastor struck a special chord with my heart. I felt as if I had risen from the dead that day along with Christ Jesus! I had a miraculous weekend... I honestly I feel I haven't really been living for six months now and I finally died on Good Friday. I think that weekend was to show me that even though my best friend is gone that my life can truly go on for me as well as for others. To see how well his mother was doing really helped me in that.

... All theology aside, I delved too deep into caffeine last week which resulted in this...

My Best Friend Is Gone

What is it about certain songs, certain pictures, or even cars, television shows, billboard signs, etc. that can just flood your heart with emotions? I don't understand why I can look directly at a picture of someone or even talk directly to them and not feel anything, but when I hear a certain song or even someone else says just the right thing, I can feel myself fill up with an incomprehensible amount of emotions. Is it just that we get so used to looking at something that it stops stirring up our insides so the things that actually do surprise us? Or have we all just tried to become numb to the continuous pain that keeps attacking our lives. At some point I guess the anesthesia has to wear off and that's when those sneak attacks from songs & pictures & cars arise. I'm not really sure which of the two it is... maybe it's a little bit of both. I sit and I look at a picture of him that's on my wall every night before I go to bed. It stopped stirring anything up inside me months ago. I think about him every day and I miss him immensely, but I can't remember the last time I cried about him not being here. It's not because I don't want to; it's more so because I just haven't been able to lately. So maybe I have gotten used to my surroundings, but I think I've managed to numb some part of myself as well.
Whatever the case may be, healing is a process and, in this particular case, a very long process.

New Year- Old Shit

People look at the new year as if it's this huge blank slate. Like somehow we're all getting a new lease on life. However, I see it as this... my best friend is still six feet under and I still have all the problems I had yesterday. Maybe we all make such a big deal out of the new year because the thought of dealing with the fact that nothing in life ever really just goes away is too difficult for our fragile souls to deal with. The truth of it is that the shit will continue to pile on, & there is nothing we can do to stop it or to make it go away.

But the light in all of this is that things like good friends, spontaneity, warm cookies, a good chick flick, etc... can all make our shit smell a little better & sometimes even make it smell so good that we forget what we've got hidden in the dark corners of our minds.

Blame It On The Alcohol

I was told by a friend that I just need to be more care free like her & not worry so much about relationships... The only reason she's so carefree is because of the alcohol. I know this because even though she wants to pretend like no one understands where she's coming from, I'm the same way as her. Every time I'm in a rough situation I want to drink. I want to be able to separate myself from reality in such a way that I forget everything that has happened to me. However, I've lost too many close friends and family to drug/alcohol addiction, so even though in most cases all I want to do is drink the pain away & become this carefree version of myself that I love, I refrain from even touching one drink.
In the past I've made it my rule of thumb that alcoholic drinks are only to be consumed when I'm at a happy point in my life. In this, I don't become dependent on it. Unfortunately, last night I broke my rule & just after one night of relying on this drug to suppress my connection with reality, I want so badly to go out and drink again. I know it's not a good idea to begin this cycle but when I woke this morning my first thoughts weren't of how much I miss my best friend or how heart broken I am. Instead I woke up with a clear mind, thinking of absolutely nothing. It was so incredibly refreshing!
I have an addictive personality & alcoholism runs in my family... I know I shouldn't go out tonight but the bad feelings are coming back & it's becoming harder to say no to parties when I know that this short disconnect from reality creates the best feelings I've felt in months.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think about getting in the car, driving until I run out of gas, abandoning my car wherever that may be, & just walking until I arrive some place that doesn't remind me of you. Some place that doesn't even consist of road signs, objects, people, billboards, etc that make my thoughts lean towards how much I miss everything about you. I don't want to think about it anymore. Every night before I go to sleep I can almost feel you with me, but when I wake in the morning you're gone again. Every morning is like facing a new reality. I don't want to feel it anymore. I just want to go some place, away from all that's familiar, & forget about everything and everyone. I want to make a new reality for myself, a better reality. One where I don't miss you in every moment of every day.... maybe, just maybe, if I get away from all of this, this craziness, I won't think of you as much.